Mars and Venus Divorced: 3 Steps for Mending a Broken Heart

January 31, 2009

Breakups hurt. Here's how to heal.

Your success in finding love again after a divorce has a lot to do with your ability to move beyond the pain of your loss.

Needless to say, it won’t happen overnight.

In fact, it’s something only time, reflection, and attitude can teach us.

So, where to start?

Here are the three critical steps in mending a broken heart. The sooner you start, the better off you will be – and the sooner your heart will be open to finding love again:

Step 1: Get help.

If you have lived with the pain of loss and separation for a few days, weeks, or months, you are already aware that this process of grieving does not resolve itself quickly.

Reading a book, like Mars and Venus Starting Over, or dozens of other choices, is a good start. But human contact at this time is important and valuable. Never let yourself forget that the grief of loss is not unique to your personal journey through life. Millions of others have stories of loss and recovery of their own to share. Join a group, and or work with a counselor. Most importantly, accept and share your feelings as you reach out for support.

Step 2: Grieve your loss.

There is a common thread that runs through the loss of a loved one because of death, and the loss of a loved one because of a breakup or divorce: in the first instance we mourn the loss of the life we had together. In a breakup, we mourn the loss of what might have been. One is a pain of disconnecting from a shared future, while the other is a sense of disillusionment over a future never found.

Men and women react very differently to their grief over either loss. In breakups particularly men will attempt to condition themselves to care less about a new relationship. Therefore a Martian will commonly get involved quickly, but have difficulty committing. Venusians, on the other hand, will tend to avoid the future pain of loss by simply not getting involved in any meaningful way. These reactions can soften over a period of time, but they will not really change unless a man or woman grieves their loss and mends their broken heart.

Step 3: Become whole again.

We come out of our loss with a hunger and neediness that makes us particularly ill prepared for another committed relationship. We have to heal that neediness before we are truly ready to love again. In fact, the best time to get involved again is when you feel you don’t have to. Commonly men get involved too soon, and women unknowingly push love away. Until they have truly healed, men will not be able to give of themselves, while women will not be able to receive love.

The end of a relationship is the end of a vision you once had of the future direction your life would take. Give yourself the time and space to regain your sense of balance after such a disorienting loss. In time you can – and you will – heal. Accepting the depth of your pain is the first important step in creating your own unique path back to happiness.

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Other MVL Divorce Articles

Can You Ever Forgive Him? Yes, and Here’s How

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Tick tock...tick tock...

MVL Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #20:

Romance Remix

One simple homemade gift that will sing to your beloved: burn a CD with all the tunes that bring back romantic memories.  You can include a card that reminds you both of the time and place for each song made its impression on your hearts.

Posted in Divorce