“My Husband Is Out of Work and Depressed About It!”

February 8, 2009

He's unemployed - and in his cave. Here's how to get him out.

Dear John, My husband just got laid off and he’s really on edge. I know he’s deeply concerned about what impact this will have on the two of us and our two children, ages nine and seven. He’s been snapping at me, and the kids everyday since it happened. I try to talk to him but that’s difficult right now. How can I better communicate to him my confidence that everything is going to be okay? —Downsized and Out, in Los Angeles

Dear Downsized and Out,

My first concern is that when you say, “I try to talk to him…” That leads me to wonder exactly what it is that you are saying. There’s no doubt that,at a time like this, saying too little or too much can get you in trouble.

To a man, simply expressing your concern can be heard as an expression of distrust. The more a man feels threatened and unsure of his place in the world due to a set of unfortunate circumstances, the more he is likely to react in a hostile manner.

Underlying all this is the simple fact that he feels as if he is in a powerless state.

When men need help, they first instinctively look to themselves for answers. This is one reason why men will go into their cave during difficult times. Their hope is that they will emerge with a way out of their problems.  You can unknowingly alienate him by suggesting something as simple as “Did you go online to see if there are any job listings?” Understand that when a man is down on himself, that’s when he is at his most defensive. During this time, whether you realize it or not, everything you suggest sounds to him like you don’t trust him.

The wiring of his brain is really set to respond to a crisis in one of two ways: fight, or flight. In a situation like this, he feels all the stress of a flight-or-fight dilemma, but he’s stuck in neutral wondering what a proper response might be. If he shuts out the world and ignores the issue (flight), his testosterone rises. If he starts working furiously to secure another position (fight) he also gets a testosterone boost.

But overwhelmed by a difficult circumstance (and this current economy is certainly that), he is not sure of his options. Metaphorically speaking, he becomes stuck on an island between those two poles – flight or fight – and his spirits, along with his testosterone level, takes a plunge.

And when testosterone drops, his irritability will rise.

That said, here’s what I suggest:

Since he can’t contribute financially at this point, ask him to do some things for you. In other words, give him things that will make him a success.

One example: Ask him to help out with the many items around the house that have been neglected for so long. He may seem reluctant at first, but in truth he wants and needs to get involved. Also, don’t forget romance. Find ways that would make you happy romantically, such as his taking you to a free concert at the church.

Times are indeed tough. Stress can take us down or, on the other hand, overcoming shared adversity can bring us much closer.What he needs from you most right now is your loving support. Give him the space that he needs to pull himself back together and large doses of admiration for being  a terrific husband and father. There’s a very good chance that one day in the not too distant future you’ll look back on these days as one of those tests that ultimately strengthened your bonds of love and partnership.

— John

_______________________________________

Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

When the Nosy Mother-in-Law Is More than a Cliche

“My husband takes too many trips…”

Have a question for John, or a comment MarsVenusLiving? Send it to Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com

_______________________________________

Tick tock...tick tock...

MVL’s Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #25:

Breakfast in Bed

If you’re under the impression that breakfast in bed is corny, think again. Your belove will be touched that you took the time and effort to wake up and hit the kitchen in order to show your love. A cup of coffee and a croissant. A scrambled egg with toast. Anything at all – served up with a Valentine, store-bought or handmade – will have your partner eating out of your hand for the rest of the day.

Posted in John Says, Q&A