Surviving That Seven-Year Itch

February 12, 2009

7 Year Itch: Does it need to be scratched?

A 1955 classic comedy film, written and directed by Hollywood legend, Billy Wilder, popularized the idea that married couples are subject to a “seven-year itch.” The movie is about a publishing editor, played by Tom Ewell, who fantasizes about an affair with Marilyn Monroe, playing a TV model living in the apartment above Sherman and his family, in New York. Ewell’s character has sent his wife and son off to Maine to escape the blistering heat of a Manhattan summer while he reads through a manuscript called “The Seven Year-Itch,” which makes the claim that a significant number of men look to have extra marital affairs after seven years of marriage. As he fantasizes about Monroe, Ewell wonders if perhaps there really is something to this premise.

In the fifty-plus years since the film’s release, hundreds of behavioral experts (and millions of couples) have asked that very same question:

Is there actually a seven-year itch? Do spouses look for opportunities to cheat on one another after seven years?

According to Dr Luisa Dillner, publishing director of the British Medical Journal and author of a new book, Love By Numbers, there are statistical analyses that provide answers to questions to a myriad of topics about relationships including sex, marriage and cheating.

Dillner explains, “The seven-year itch reflects couples’ disillusionment with each other rather than a search for alternative partners.”

In her book, Dillner points out that, in the UK, the average length of a marriage is around seven years for women marrying between the ages of 25 and 34. In the U.S., approximately half of all marriages end within seven years.

Divorce statistics bear this out. One recent study, conducted by England’s Office for National Statistics, found that:

• 19 per cent of divorces occur in marriages up to four years in length;

• 27 per cent between five and nine years; and

• 13 per cent between 15 and 19 years.

Interestingly enough, adultery is not often given as the principal cause for marital failure; in fact, more than 50 per cent of women cite behavioral differences as a reason for divorce, with that same claim being made by 31 per cent of men.

Dillner believes that US relationship researcher John Gottman has done the most promising research. He claims that he can predict, with 94 percent accuracy, which couples, will divorce, and which will last — simply by observing their conversation for a few minutes over a contentious issue. Gottman also believes that couples who say five positive things to one negative one are far more likely to succeed.

In When Mars and Venus Collide, MVL.com’s  John Gray examines the new roles that are emerging for husbands and wives in the 21st Century. What new behaviors will help define successful marriages in households where both spouses have their own career paths? Says John:

“The bottom line, as evidenced by the steep decline in our rate of marriage, is that a husband and wife have to work together to redefine their roles within their relationship – if marriages are to survive seven times seven years and beyond.”

Here are John’s 7 Itch-Proof Steps for a Solid Marriage:

1. Talk things out. If one of you has an issue with the other, get it out in the open. But remember: Don’t use blame to make your point.

2. Guys: Ask her how her day went. And when you do, be specific. Mention her job, or the kids, or her parents. She’ll appreciate it, because it demonstrates that you really care.

3. Show your love by touching. Hugs and kisses are the easiest (not to mention funnest) way to stay connected.

4. Do things together… Make dates, without the kids. Take walks. Work out at the gym together. Get away for the weekend, at least once a quarter. As you both loosen up, you’ll love each other even more.

5. And do things apart.  A night out with friends may actually make you appreciate your marriage more. Besides, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

6. Be sensitive to your partner’s stress. Anxiety puts men in their caves, and puts women on edge. If you see that your loved one is stressed out, give some breathing room, but let him or her know that you’re there when it’s time to talk – and unload.

7.  Don’t be afraid to say “I love you.” Those words have meaning. They express your commitment to your marriage, and that’s what it’s all about.

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Other MVL Marriage & Commitment Articles

Marriage Works. Here’s When and How

Resisting “Resentment Flu”

Michelle and Barack Obama: A New First Couple for America

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Tick tock...tick tock...

MVL’s Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #29:

Touch-Ups

The best gift to give each other? How about massages?

Many massage therapists are offering specials for Valentine’s Day. Even if a couples massage is out of your budget, a scented lotion from your local drug store is affordable, and a loving rub-down by your beloved is priceless. Enjoy!

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Posted in Couple Communication, Marriage