John Gray Q&A: Desperate Househusband

January 15, 2009

Burn Notice

Dear John, My wife’s job is more interesting and challenging than mine, and she earns time and a half what I do—when I’m employed, which I’m not as of last week. I feel like a loser—particularly since I’m now just a “househusband.” I don’t want to bring this up to her and I don’t want her to think I resent her success. Any ideas on how I can keep my cool about this?

—Bottom of the Ladder, Boston

Dear Bottom of the Ladder,

As women have entered and found success in the marketplace, the problem you express has become increasingly common. It is a problem I deal with extensively in my recent book Why Mars and Venus Collide.

Like many factors in our basic biology this problem can feed on itself. The less appreciated you feel, the less you feel that you are making a valued contribution, and the lower your testosterone level becomes. This in turn leads you to feel less motivated, and less inclined to make a positive change in the situation. The bottom line for you, and any man facing this dilemma, is that this is one of those situations where only you can reverse this downward slide.read more here

Your first step is to burn off some excess anxiety by starting a fitness program that lets you look better and feel better. This will recharge your batteries and help you to climb back up the confidence ladder.

Next, start planning one or two dates a week. Give her time to prepare. Little things make a big difference in her life. Give her something to look forward to other than another day at the office. Don’t ask her, “what do you want to do tonight?” Instead, step up and plan the evening for both of you.  Plan in advance, and tell her on Monday that you have a special night planned for the two of you on Friday night. This gives her something to look forward to all week. She will greatly appreciate the fact that you are taking control and giving her a welcomed distraction from her work life.

If you’re depressed over her new success it only enhances the stress she feels in her life because she can sense your detachment. Take a positive approach instead, and give yourself a new job description. Cut the stress and increase the romance. You’re feeling better because you know you have lifted her spirits and you’re now a more confident , relaxed, and caring partner.
There is always a positive role we can play in the life of our partner if we choose to create and fulfill that piece most needed to make the lives we share a fully functioning, engaged, and happy relationship.

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MVL's Valentine's Day Countdown Continues...

MVL Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #2:

365 Love Letters

There’s no reason why you have to wait until Valentine’s Day to express your love. In fact, one very budget-conscious way to do so every day of the year is to keep a “lover’s diary.”

Just pick up two diary, or daily journals,  in any pharmacy or stationery store, preferably with lined pages and  beautiful covers. (Remember, these items will soon be treasured keepsakes!)

Wrap them together with a bow. Then, on Valentine’s Day, present them to your loved one. You should already have written your very first message inside the diary you’ve earmarked as your own. On the next day and every day after, write down another thought that encompasses what you are feeling for your beloved at just that moment: perhaps a dream you had, a desire you wish to share, or a memory already made that lives in your heart. Encourage your partner to do the same.

Both of you should complete your 365th entries on December 13th. Present your lover’s diaries to each other on Valentine’s Day — along with a brand new journal to use in the coming year.

This may be the start of a wonderful tradition.

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Posted in Q&A