John Gray Q&A: Nanny, or Not?

February 26, 2009

To have a successful discussion, begin by showing mutual respect.

Dear John, Right now things between my husband and I are very stressful.  He works part-time and goes to school in order to provide a better future for us,  while I work full time.  I make much more. In fact I carry the whole family financial responsibility.  Money is a big issue for us, what with a house and a new car and a new baby.  We cannot afford a live-in nanny which he claims will be the best solution in the care of our son. He reasons that with a live-in nanny, he will be able to work full time and go to school full time.  I am uncomfortable having a stranger in my hous. However,  I’d be willing to have a live-in nanny–if we could afford to pay for one, but we can’t.  Please help! —Anxious, in Chicago

Dear Anxious, You are justified to feel as you do about the expense of a nanny issue. Still, if you want to make your point, the last thing you want is to come off preachy or stubborn, because that sends your husband the wrong message: that his solution is wrong. Here’s how to handle it instead.

In Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, I explain that men have  problems with women offering unsolicited advice. They find criticism from the women they love insulting to him, which is why he doesn’t want to talk to you.

Keep in mind that he’s probably feeling frustrated, since he’s not the primary breadwinner.  He feels he’s let you down, and wonders if you blame him for having to work as hard as you do.

The best way to get convince him that you still love and respect him–as well as to get him talking again–is to tell him the following: “Honey, thanks for all you’re doing to come up with a solution to our daycare problem. I agree with you that your time is best spent working full tim. I guess I can’t quite see the answer to the question of where we’ll find the money to pay the nanny. What are your thoughts on that?”

Then let him think that one through out loud.

By saying it in this way, you’ve given him the respect he needs and wants from you. I have no doubt he’ll come up with the same conclusion as you: that perhaps this isn’t the best idea, particularly if it doesn’t pencil out, not to mention the age of your newborn.

Best case scenario: He figures out how to stretch your budget to accommodate a day care situation you can both agree upon, and gets a job that is both financially and emotionally satisfying.

But if you don’t give him the chance to make his case, it won’t happen.

I know this is just one of many communication issue that have come up for you lately, what with your finances and the new baby. That said, I would strongly recommend couples counseling for you, so that you and  your can better deal with the problems as they arise. A counselor gives an objective perception–something friends and family can’t give, since they are too close to you, and hold onto what you tell them, even after the issues between you have long been resolved.

The true test of any relationship are how you handle shared hardships. All the more reason to find some flexibility, and demonstrate respect for his efforts and opinions. If  support his point of view, just as you hope he’ll support yours, too.

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Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

“My husband is out of work and depressesd about it…”

“What’s a Mother to Do?”

“My husband takes too many trips…”

“Right guy, wrong time. Now what?”

Have a question for John, or a comment MarsVenusLiving? Send it to Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com

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Posted in John Says, Q&A