5 Key Traits of Long-Term Loving Couples
March 29, 2009
Lasting love? It comes from ongoing respect, commitment and passion.
In an age where cynics are celebrated and optimists are pushed to the back of the line, it’s easy to forget that there are millions of couples in America–and around the world–who are this year celebrating there 25th, 35th, 50th, and even 60th wedding anniversaries.
Surveys continue to reveal that in spite of the cynicism and waves of doubt in the face of high divorce rates, nearly 90 percent of us hope that our own relationship will be one of happily ever after: in which we meet one special someone and build a relationship that lasts a lifetime.
These are couples that have learned the beauty of building a relationship that grows closer with each passing year. So, how have they accomplished this?
Lasting love is always a work in progress. And no couple is too old to learn. That said, here are five key traits of long-term loving couples:
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Holding in your concerns is no way in which to live your life–let alone a life you share with someone you love. Feel free to talk through your issues. Just remember to do so without casting blame, or when in anger. The goal: coming to a consensus that satisfies you both.
2. Lead with the love in your heart. You can rationalize almost any action, but the best case scenario is that you don’t let petty differences or your ego stand in the way of what you know is right for you and your loved one. By keeping an open heart, you allow yourself to hear the concerns of the one you respect most¬–and to act in both your interest.
3. Do things together, but keep separate interests as well. True and lasting love does not mean you have to be joined at the hip. By having different hobbies, different friends, and different needs, you keep your relationship fresh for both of you. When you catch up on your day, you fall in love all over again.
4. Practice patience. Each of us moves at our own pace. If you feel your partner is falling behind or wandering off into left field, take a deep breath and try to see it from his or her perspective. Remember you both come at the situation from different angles. Can you gain insight from your loved one’s point of view? It’s certainly worth considering…
5. Live the commitment of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health.” With age comes fragility and the increasing possibility of illness. When you’re young and in love, that is the furthest thing from your minds. Your mutual love and respect won’t change how you feel for each other, but the trauma associated with illness can bring up unresolved issues. All the more reason to be candid with each other at each stage of your lives together. A life well loved is a life well lived. And the bonds that love builds over the years will fortify our spirits as age diminishes our physical vitality.
If you’re a couple with several anniversary celebrations behind you, you probably have one or two favorite traits of your own. Well, we’d like to hear what they are. Feel free to send them along to us as an email, or add them to our comment box at the end of this article.
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Other MVL Articles of Interest
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Love and Marriage: How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff
25 Ways to Score with the Woman in Your Life
Unhappy Marriages Are Bad for Your Health
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
Marriage Works. Here’s When and How
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March 29th, 2009 at 11:38 AM
I consider myself an optimist, and I’m also a realist. I endeavor to get myself to look outside of the box every chance I get
These “millions” of couples who are celebrating these long marriages, did you ever consider this might not be something to be so proud of? That being with another person for 50 or 60 (etc) years might just reflect a lack of growth and self-esteem/self-love in the individuals in most cases?
You know these people are so much different than when they began this marriage 60 years ago. What’s the likelihood that they grew in the same direction? Isn’t it more likely that they are just two people living in the same house because of the familiarity of it, not for the true love and joy of it. This is where they feel “safe,” not necessarily loved and happy. And the very high rate of those who “cheat” while remaining in their long-time marriages certainly upholds what I’m saying. And it’s often the woman who will just look away and not want to know about the “sins” of their man, so as to keep adding years to a “successful” marriage in the eyes of this, often ignorant and judgmental, society.
One thing that is crucial that is missing from your list is that individuals should learn to deeply love THEMSELVES. When that’s the case, betrayal and dishonesty, like cheating, is not swept under the rug for years and years — and good communication is an absolute. Self-loving people do not hesitate to pull the plug when it’s over, when they have grown apart, become two completely different people…
I say we trash the odd notion that bunches of years together reflect a successful marriage. More often than not, it’s a sham, because we have not yet learned to truly love ourselves. We cling to whatever and whoever makes us feel “safe,” even if they ultimately make us miserable. Just familiarity and a false sense of security is not love. We should honor ourselves by ending what needs to end, and by holding out for the real deal while we grow, mature, and, most importantly learn to truly love ourselves by ourselves — FIRST. It’s not likely we’ll have a 60-year marriage in doing that, but we will have a much (much) higher chance of having a marriage that will actually be worth having. Quality over quantity.
Dove
March 29th, 2009 at 12:18 PM
John says:
“Thanks Dove, for your comments.
I would agree with your phrase ‘bunches of years together’ do not, in and of itself, define a successful marriage. However, as was stated in the article, nearly 9 out of 10 people hold out the wish that they will be part of a long lasting relationship. When you read between the lines of what you wrote, you express that wish as well. Long lasting relationships can be what we hope they will be- if we take the time and effort to invest in the process that that is outlined in these five traits.
But of course it takes two willing partners to accomplish this. Sadly, sometimes one partner may want to do so, but the other partner does not.
And yes, you’re right to point out that many couples stay together for years and years because they are afraid to get out of a relationship that is not right for them. However, the couples celebrated in this article are those who have enjoyed mutual passion, respect and appreciation throughout their years together I feel they we all can learn from them. I know I have. The five traits in this article reflect this.
Also your point about growing as individuals is precisely why the third of these five traits is ‘Do things together, but keep separate interests as well.’
Trust me, Dove, when I tell you that there are many couples who are together because they want to be. In my own professional and personal life experience I’ve had the joy of meeting thousands of couples who embrace these five traits and more.”
March 29th, 2009 at 12:42 PM
Really? Really?
A lot of this advice seems to tread on the “walk on eggshells” method of spousal communication. I.e., 1. feel free, but don’t cast blame, never in anger, 2. Don’t express ego or petty differences, and 3. take a deep breath.
Really? Really?
Long-married couples cast blame. They bicker. They get angry. They express ego and pettiness. And if they take a deep breath, it’s often to let out a wild stream of frustration!
Express crankiness freely to your spouse. Get mad. Blame them for something. Be momentarily egotistical. The person you love knows you are human. He or she feels honored that you feel comfortable enough to express gnarly emotions in a way you won’t express them in public.
Honest expression is a crucial part of intimacy. Acceptance is a marker of relationship longevity.
Walking on eggshells and talking to therapists about your real feelings is for divorced people.
March 29th, 2009 at 1:27 PM
John says:
“Hi, Laura, appreciate your comment.
I would agree that successful communications between two loving partners can mean many different things to many different people. An yes, and as you put it, ‘honest expression is a crucial part of intimacy.’
That said, would I ever recommend to readers that they ‘bicker, express ego and pettiness, or let out a wild stream of frustration’?
No, I would not.
People do get angry. And when they speak in anger, invariably they say things they later regret. This is why I’ve always advocated a cooling off period.
Walk around the block. Or take a sheet a paper and write down what you’re thinking. In other words, allow yourself time to cool off.
That way, you won’t say something that will hurt your partner, who will in turn say something that will hurt you.
In all my years of counseling, I’ve seen first hand that not all couples internalize these comments as ’spoken in the heat of anger.’ Some resent these comments or misinterpret, or take what is said out of context. They let the comments fester, and use them later anger.
However, if couples could learn to talk without anger but instead discuss issues that stand between them in a way that allows them to show respect for their partner’s point of view, less couples would need counseling.
And yes, less couples would get divorced — which is the goal of all my advice.”
March 29th, 2009 at 5:01 PM
Thank you John for suggesting these 5 keys to a successful relationship. I read some of the answers. My comments:
Of course someone who has NOT been in a long, happy, fulfilling relationship would tend to think that couples just stay married because of familiarity.
Hello!!!!!!!!!!!! Les and I are married nearly 37 years, and have known one another for nearly 45 years, we’re best friends, best lovers and best partners for life. Our story is described in a book The Heart to Forgive. When you read it, you’ll understand that yes, truthful communication is KEY in the success of the relationship, and that YES, forgiveness is a very important part of it as well. What has worked at the same time for us and against us is that we have often been separated because of work demands, for several weeks at time, and that makes us feel like we’re on a honeymoon when we meet again, and it also opens the door to extra marital affairs that could be so destructive when the partners suffer the terrible sickness of jealousy and are unable to forgive.
So I’d recommend to those couples who are seeking the key, the secret to an exciting, long lasting, fun and fulfilling marriage to maybe spend time away from one another, not necessarily to meet other people, but to be on your own and get to appreciate your partner even more! Treat your spouse the way THEY would like to be treated, not the way YOU want to be treated.
Be honest in expressing your feelings.
Become best friends.
Have fun together.
If you’re miserable, make a decision to change things around, starting with YOU! (You are really the only person you can change!)
If you do for your spouse the things you would like them to do for you, maybe they’ll get the message. However, it’s ultimately up to YOU to be the change that you want to see in the relationship!
Good luck!
May 1st, 2009 at 9:27 PM
I am reading with great interest the comments on this subject. I have been married for 14 years and I know that we have been through ups and downs throughout our marriage.
Now, we are somewhere between a BIG down and on the way up. What I find that helps a lot is communication. As long as we can talk openly to one another, we can get back on the right track
Like many other men, my husband has the tendency to go to his ‘cave’, He can keep things to himself for a long time, and not sharing with me what the heck is going on. The effect of the cave is destructive; first, it drives me crazy that I can’t talk to him, or he can not talk to me, second – and it creates a lot of tension between us in all aspects – sex, solving simple issues and parenting.
The luck of communication is a BAD habit that men ( well, most men), tend to fall into. When my husband and I talk over big as well as small things, we get connected and from there things flow. Talking can be also with anger, god knows we are humans…. Something I will cry and scream, it is all part of being a living human being.
No one talked abut Sex – sex is not only for fun and having kids – sex is a communication way. When we are having sex, we connect to one another in ways that no talk will do. We learn to be gentle, ask what the other wants, learn patience and explore new ways to make the other feel loved. Sometime, time pass and we find that we haven’t had sex for a long time (especially with young kids, crazy work hours etc). I can tell that luck of sex is affecting our relationship – big time!
Especially for men, who feel loved through sex, it is very important to make time for that!
Women – when you are tired and the last thing you want to have it sex, think about how you felt after a good sex and hold on to this image when you find the energy to do it!
And last but not least – I completely agree with talking the time to learn to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
My mom, who is a very smart lady, told me once “You can’t give what you don’t have. You need to wake up every day and tell yourself – I love being Relli, I love Relli. Only when you get to the core of your self love, you can feel the love to someone else”.
This is one of the best advices I ever got. Took me a LONG LONG Time to love myself. Today, I think I got to a good place regards to who I am and I really don’t care what others think about me. Being in that space, I can choose how to react, forgive, and move on with my life. The more I take the time to nurtured myself, the more I have to give to my husband, our relationship and most important – our children.
Love yourself first, it is the ‘new’ selfish
Relli S
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 AM
Good info, thanks! And nice blog!
May 2nd, 2009 at 3:40 PM
I have been married for 24 years and together since we were 16 years old. It took years before I realized that one sentence rings true for me every day – “treat your spouse as you would a friend”. I find many of my friends treat their spouses/partners as a dumping ground. We would never treat a friend that way and if we did, we would do it respectfully. So every day I remember to treat my husband as I would a friend and so far it seems to help! Thanks for listening, Anne
May 3rd, 2009 at 5:45 AM
Greetings,
I agree with Anne’s advice.My husband is my friend too. Kindness, Understanding and Respect are important to our happiness as a couple. I don’t like being upset with him and he doesn’t like being upset with me. We value peace and harmony so we put our egos at bay. We each get a little bratty sometimes and then we get over it and go back to being friends. When we go to our caves(yes I have one too) it gives us a chance to process what just happened and integrate the information. I listen to my husband because I want to be listened to. If I’m going to be me, I have to let him be him.
My husband and I have been married nearly twenty years and the first ten I tried to change him to see things from my point of view. That didn’t work. Then I realized his gift to me is that he sees things in a completely different way (180). I can count on him to bring a different perspective. Now we have that many more solutions to any issues we are dealing with as I respect his opinion, though different from mine. Plus, he’s a good guy. I like the quote “Never cut what you can untie”. If there is any way to be happy together we must go for it because “you can’t scratch your own back”. Male and female are a nice compliment to each other.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:10 PM
Thanks for the pointers John,
We married young. I was 21, she -20. We were naive to communication skills, understanding, techniques to tweak the relationship, I knew little about girls, Bev knew little about guys. On top of that we started a family a year later and were financially challenged for many years.
Cynics would assume this might mean a short shelf-life or at least years of frustration and friction. Well I am happy to testify that 23 years later we are still happily married and the early years were not marked with problems.
Of course, growing in understanding, communication, and appreciation of eachothers uniqueness has been important to our deepening relationship, but I don’t believe it was essential.
A serious lifetime commitment to each other no matter what, has been the solid foundation we have built our partnership on. This “for better or worse, sickness or health, death do we part” pledge has been the substance of our confidence, the security of our lives together, removed the anxiety that suspicion would bring, and released us both to build a future together and individual interests and dreams.
At the core of this commitment was the valuing of relationships over material wealth or vocation. Whether enjoying prosperity and success or enduring setbacks and failure, our marriage and family has been the pinnacle of our existence. That has been something we determined to forge in the midst of a culture that relentlessly thrusts the concept of material wealth and success as the basis for happiness and the source of security. Now, as this illusion has come crashing down we stand confident, come what may, our marriage will see us through triumphant!
Jeff