Written on May 5, 2009 at 1:01 am by MVL Staff

Getting a Man to Listen Up

Filed under Couple Communication, Marriage no comments

Why doesn't he hear you sometimes? It's in his genes.

Getting a man to listen is not always as easy as you may think. And, if you’ve been in a long-term relationship with a man, you probably are already aware of this.

Women will often express their frustration about this to a girlfriend or to a relationship counselor and it goes something like this:

“When Tom and I were dating he used to listen to me all the time. He was interested in my work, my family, my personal interests. But by the time we were married for less than a year it seemed like he had less and less time for us to talk. And when we did have a conversation it seemed as though he was not really paying very much attention.”

Sound familiar? If it does it’s only because you’re experiencing a frustration that millions of other women have expressed. “He was such a good listener when we were dating, what happened?”

What partners quickly assume is that their mate is no longer interested in what they have to say, and so they have just tuned them out. This is a great source of conflict in a relationship. Understanding the Mars/Venus differences greatly helps a woman to put this behavior into perspective.

From birth forward, males in general lag behind females in communication skills. Women have much better connections between their emotional and language centers of their brains. Men, on the other hand, can make these connections, but not without far greater effort. When dating, a man will make persistent attempts to communicate because he rightly senses that this conversational engagement will make him appear more attractive to a potential mate.

You’ve probably seen nature footage of a male bird, for example, displaying beautiful plumage to attract a female. Human males do the same thing in two significant ways. One they do all that they can to improve their physical appearance, and two, they become very attentive to what a woman has to say. You might say that from a communication standpoint, the male feminizes his communication patterns to appear to be a good communicator.

A year or less into this effort, once he is secure in the relationship, most men drop back to their non-communicative ways. So the question, how can a woman change that man back into a good listener?

Try this: Tell him that tonight when he gets home you want to take five minutes and tell him about your day. “I really need you to listen, you don’t have to say anything. I just need for us to talk.” Do this for a few days consecutively and establish a code phrase you both agree to, something like, “How was your day?” as a signal that it’s time to talk.

Men by their nature are not great communicators, but they are also creatures of habit. Once this pattern of conversation is established, he’ll come to expect it, and eventually will seek you out if you haven’t shared the events of your day.

Most importantly, remind yourself that his lack of communication is not a sign of his lack of love for you. Martians don’t share feelings very well. Study after study has come to that same conclusion. But men can change, particularly in the area of becoming better listeners. The most important step a wife must make is to ask that they talk. And when not heard the first, or second time, a wife must know to ask again.

Watch This Video: John Gray Talks About How Men Listen