Divorce: Can You Ever Forgive Your Ex? Yes, and Here’s How

January 24, 2009

Yes, you can forgive-and forget.

The end of any relationship—whether it’s simply two people going their separate ways, or the product of a protracted and agonizing divorce—often leaves both individuals emotionally drained.

For most of us, the heat of anger cools overtime  For others, unfortunately, that hurt and disappointment can become a cold knot in the center of us, that can linger on for many years. So, what steps should you take to ensure that  your pain doesn’t stand in the way of your future happiness?

But whether our anger is long or short in duration, it leaves a jumble of emotional wounds that we have to untangle before we have any realistic hope of starting over and finding love again.

And both parties find ample room for blame:

“He was not the person I thought he was.”
“She never trusted or believed in me.”
“He was mean, dishonest and unfair.”
“She was selfish and uncaring.”

The accusations fly in both directions. And as any sense of trust vanishes, the bitter disappointment rises even higher. Usually both partner blame each other, blame themselves, and perhaps even blame their now former friend who introduced them in the first place.

Physical hurt we all understand. A person falls learning to ice skate and breaks an ankle. There is a well-established process for healing, and most of us follow a similar, well-prescribed path to recovery.

With deep emotional wounds, however, the path is nowhere near as clear or well defined.

An important step in healing an emotional injury is finding forgiveness for the person who harmed you and forgiving yourself for being vulnerable to being harmed.

Forgiveness is part of the essential process of releasing your anger: anger that cannot and should not be simply buried, because that repression turns anger into hate.

To take your rage and truly understand those feelings, consider that underlying our hate are always feelings of anger, sadness, fear and sorrow.

Relationship failures leave us with every one of those four feelings.

To pave the path to forgiveness, try these steps:

1. Write a feeling letter that is addressed to you, and to you alone.

In that letter write down why you feel angry, and document your sadness. What is it you fear, and why are you feeling sorrow?

This letter might be two-pages, or it might be twenty. What you will find as you read and reread this letter is that all of the feelings you are experiencing come from a place that you know inside yourself. It’s the place you have gone before where you keep those memories of being neglected, mistreated, insulted, embarrassed, and more. All of us carry our own particular wounds. A great deal of the anger you feel toward your partner is for bringing you back to that part of you that has been hurt before.

2. Take the letter and put it some place safe—then don’t look at it, for at least a year.

By holding onto it, you are telling yourself that you acknowledge the pain you felt. By leaving it alone for at least a year, you give yourself space to reflect on your feelings, which need plenty of time to heal.

3. After 12 months (or even longer, if needed) re-read your letter.

As you do so, assess how your feelings have changed. You may seem like a different person from the one who wrote it. That shows you’ve processed some of the hurt you felt at that time. However, if you do feel the same hurt, but the letter away again, for at least another six months.

4. If the letter no longer pains you, feel free to tear it up.

Doing so is your way of saying: “It’s over. I’ve moved on.”

5. Remember that the way out of this dark place is through forgiveness.

Continued anger is a self-consuming fire. Forgiveness releases us and relieves us of this cycle of negative feelings. Most importantly it allows us to move on. You cannot truly love again without forgiveness and acceptance. It does not mean you were not wronged, nor does it that your anger was unjustified. It means that to move forward we must heal.

Forgiveness allows the next chapter of your life to begin.

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Other MVL Single, Dating & Divorce Articles

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Reel Romance: 4 New Date Night Films

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Tick tock...tick tock...

MVL’s Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #13:

Just Say “Darling”

Terms of endearment are very important to hear, particularly on this day. Any and every chance you can use it, do so: Even if it’s just to say: “Pass the toothpaste, honey.” The subliminal message you’re giving your partner is “Everytime I look or think of you, I also think of how much in love I am with you.” Now, that’s a message that anyone would love to hear!

Posted in Divorce