Q&A: “Why Must I Do It All?”

May 27, 2009

In the film Motherhood, Uma Thurman's face says it all.

Dear John, When his mother died, my husband, our two children and I moved in with his father so that we could take care of him. My husband has a brother and two sisters, who have provided very little help. This is over two years ago and for most of that time I have been doing all the work, when my father-in-law goes to his various medical appointments or into the hospital I take him there. I take care of all of his medications, insurance forms, and I see that all his bills get reviewed and paid.

We have no help. I work a full-time job, take care of the children, and try to take care of the house, my husband and father-in-law. My father-in-law just recently had to have his leg amputated and he has been very ugly to me ever since. I just don’t know what to do. I want my old life back when it was just my husband and kids. Recently I took my kids and went to my mothers and I am still there. What should I do now? I don’t want to lose my husband and our family over this. –Alison in Atlanta, GA

Dear Alison,

In the last sentence of your email to me, you revealed the most important message that you want to give your husband: “I love you, and I love our children, but I never signed on to take care of dad.”

It’s never a comfortable thing to do, but sometimes in life you have to lay it on the line and share with your significant other exactly what is on your mind. In your case, I think that would sound something like this: “I want to have our life back. I miss you, I love you, but I don’t want to take care of him anymore. I would not mind at all helping you, along with your brother and sister, but I cannot, and I will not do it all. I wish I could, but I find myself resenting that I should feel responsible for your father when your family is not. I know all of you care about your dad and I do, too, and I hope that working this out, the responsibility, we can have our life back again. It’s time to relieve me of this responsibility.”

Alison, know that this is a fair and reasonable request. Keeping it to a minimum of words – without a lot of complaints. He might not want to hear this, but over time he will understand. If you reinforce your choice with lines about how you feel like a victim it makes it harder for your husband to overcome his feelings of frustration over the whole situation.

Your choice is reasonable, and it is the right choice. But how you communicate and talk about that choice makes the difference in getting your marriage back on track. You can listen to his objections and appreciate the logic behind them without having to agree to once again take care of his dad. You can lovingly understand his point of view, but set your limits and stand by them. You can also remind him that he married you because he loves you, not because he was looking for a nurse for his dad.

Finally, I’m certain that you entered into this arrangement wanting to be of help. And you have been that for a very long time. But most of us have our limits and it is not unreasonable of you to have reached yours. Your mission is to let your husband know this in a loving way. You may have walked out in frustration, but that does not mean your willing to sign up for another two-year tour of duty.

_______________________________

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