Sex Strikes: A Bad Way to Make a Point

May 15, 2009

A week-long effort by Kenyan women to withhold sex in the hope of spurring their political leaders to resolve their disputes and undertake a series of reforms came to an end last week. It’s not the first time women have organized to tell men that sex is off limits, but it is a first, on the continent of Africa.

Love bans have also been called by women in Turkey, Italy and Colombia, where sex strikes have been held for a variety of causes: from better water supplies, to the outlawing of dangerous fireworks, and even a crackdown on gang violence.

The action in Kenya was initiated, organized, and publicized by the Women’s Development Organization, Kenya’s leading women’s group. WDO’s special aim was to persuade President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to finally reconcile and participate in last year’s power sharing agreement. The factional fighting between these two had led to a type of government gridlock in which vital human services were steadily eroding. The protest made international headlines when Prime Minister Raila Odinga’s wife Ida announced that she would join in.

Leaders of the women’s groups called the campaign a success after its conclusion, but there has been little tangible indication that tensions between the country’s leaders have eased.

Regardless of the political progress, the sex boycott succeeded in capturing the country’s attention. For days, the country’s newspapers and television programs have been filled with debate about the merits of the protest. Many, more often than not men, have ridiculed the campaign as a misguided stunt.

Mars Venus Living’s John Gray said the strike was the equivalent of telling the nation’s men that it was time for them to “go sleep on the couch.”

Gray added, “This approach might work in politics, but it does not work in personal relationships. What really motivates a man is a fulfilling romantic relationship. Sex can be like food, you don’t take away food, rather you use it to motivate generosity. To withhold sex is a from of manipulation and in the long run it is dramatically counterproductive to the relationship.”

Gray fears that wives who withhold sex for any reason risk the chance that, ultimately,  the men in their lives will gradually lose interest in the relationship.

“There is a certain unstated trust that we have inside the privacy of a relationship,” Gray explains. “When intimacy becomes a tool in a political crisis – or even used as a manipulation tool for a personal grievance -  it tells the man that a loving bond between a committed couple can be turned on and turned off like a water faucet. This undercuts the strength of the relationship and diminishes a man’s sense of trust.”

The organizers of the sex boycott have announced a 90-day follow-up campaign, to monitor the progress of Kenya’s leaders in implementing a series of newly promised reforms. The organizers, no doubt to the great relieve of their partners, say this future effort will stay out of the bedroom.

Have you ever manipulated your partner by withholding sex? How, and why?

Leave a comment below…

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