Dating is hard enough without sabotaging your chance at love.
A man and a woman. We’ll call them Mike and Kate. They are both divorced, and have been, for approximately two years. They meet on the Internet and have a pleasant exchange of emails over a period of thee weeks. Living just twenty-five miles apart, they decide to meet on a Saturday afternoon for a light lunch and the opportunity to take the relationship offline.
Their initial meeting begins pleasantly enough. Both are relieved to see that the photos they exchanged were reasonable representations of their true appearance. As lunch proceeds, the topic of ex-partners is broached. Mike is rather superficial in describing his former wife, and explains their separation as merely a case of two people “traveling down two separate roads of life.” Kate, who is on her first date in three months, quickly concludes that Mike is hiding something.
When it’s Kate’s turn, she lets lose reciting the many ways in which her ex let her down.
From dishonest to thoughtless, Kate’s ex sounds like the prototypical Mr. Wrong. Mike is empathetic, but by the end of lunch he’s worn out and appears anxious to move on. He politely gives Kate a kiss on the check and suggests that he’ll see her soon online.
Mike does neither and after two weeks Kate adds Mike to a list of men that she deems not “worthy of her trust.” Does he deserve that perception?
What Kate has done is fairly obvious to the casual observer, but not obvious to Kate herself. She unknowingly pushed Mike away by attempting to recruit him into her ongoing rage over her ex and their failed relationship.
For Mike’s part, Kate’s anger was all too real and too current.
Kate has made the unconscious decision that any man she is going to consider is going to meet a list of requirements. This, Kate believes, is her best means of protecting herself from being hurt again. One of her requirements is that any potential new man in her life will know upfront how badly hurt she has been in the past and on guard against being hurt again.
Besides the fact that Kate has done none of the needed work to resolve at least some of her past hurt, she is unaware that when her list of prerequisites is too long, most men can quickly sense this, and like Mike, will hurry to the exit.
Even though she rarely dates, Kate is testing any potential partner in a number of ways, and each time finding them inadequate. By way of example, here are just four of her concerns:
1. He doesn’t talk much about his ex therefore he must be hiding something.
2. He’s really just interested in sex; if that weren’t the case my pain would not have turned him off.
3. Let’s just see if he writes or calls. I bet he doesn’t live-up to what he says. He’s not trustworthy.
4. I don’t think he would ever make a real commitment.
Kate’s case is all too common. Without addressing her hurt and anger she keeps raising the bar of entry into her circle of trust. What she is really doing is walling off her heart in the hope that it will not be hurt again.
Surprisingly, the surest cure for this pattern of behavior: Date far more frequently.
Why? Because as Kate gets to know many potential partners, she will find some of her concerns dropping away and her need for perceived perfection will lessen.
In a brief period of time she will see her own pattern of sabotaging her chances at having a relationship. It’s not going to happen if she dates once every three months, but it will happen quickly if she dates once or twice a week. Through dating frequently she will see more clearly how her past anger is hurting her chances to ever find love again. She will stop looking for mythical perfection and start looking for the perfect man for her.
It can happen for you, too. Start today.
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Is John Gray’s book specifically for those who are divorced
and looking to move on from grief to love.
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[...] love away is to proclaim to himself and his circle of family and friends that he simply “cannot make up his mind,” about a woman he finds, “very attractive, and desirable.” In fact this is not [...]
[...] pushes love away is to proclaim to himself and his circle of family and friends that he simply “cannot make up his mind,” about a woman he finds, “very attractive, and desirable.” In fact this is not only true of [...]