After Divorce, Single Doesn’t Mean Lonely

June 5, 2009

Being alone doesn't mean being lonely.

Self-sufficient is one thing. Resisting emotional intimacy is another. When a woman, following a divorce or the death of a spouse, waits too long to get involved again, she may unknowingly push love away.

By not giving herself permission to need or depend on others, she closes the door to receiving love and support. Often the root of this reluctance is a fear of appearing too needy.

To compensate, a woman will determine not to need anyone. In time, she comes to associate needing others with weakness. To open herself up again to love, however, a woman must first be receptive to receiving the support of others.

Men can also fall into this pattern, but they are not as vulnerable to it as women. It is more likely that in time a man will feel his need for sex and be pulled back into the dating process. Women, on the the other hand, don’t feel the pull of sexual attraction unless their hearts open first. The pull of sex, doesn’t as it so often does for men, automatically open their hearts to the possibility of finding love again.

It is important for women to communicate their feelings in order to stay in touch with their receptivity. These receptive feelings include trust, acceptance, and appreciation. When a woman denies her need for love, she loses touch with these receptive feelings and gradually becomes rigid and impervious to receiving support.

She may not realize it, but she is sending out a clear message that says, “I am strong, I don’t need help from anyone.” For a man to be attracted to a woman, he needs to feel that he can make a difference. When a woman disconnects from her receptive feelings by denying her needs, there is nothing to attract a man’s desire to make a difference by being there for her.

Ironically this same woman might very well give generously of her support to others but not be able to receive that support herself. Each time she begins to move into a receptive mode in which she can trust, accept, and appreciate a new partner, feelings of unresolved hurt and distrust will resurface and hold her back.

Ultimately to break this pattern, a woman needs to recognize that love does not mean new pain. The link must be made between the pain she feels today and the root of that pain in her past. Working with a therapist or participating in a group with other women will allow for this past loss to heal.

There is nothing wrong with being authentically self-sufficient, but it can be a difficult and lonely life. To navigate our modern world, women today need to be less dependent on men financially and physically than probably anytime in our past. That new reality has nothing to do with the emotional support she can find in a new intimate relationship.

Exploring your feelings as part of a support group can help a woman to experience these feelings of emotional need as seen through the eyes of other women. Seeing other women opening up and receiving support in time will encourage her to do the same.

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Other MVL Articles on Divorce

3 Steps for Mending a Broken Heart

Can You Ever Forgive Him? Yes, and Here’s How

Date Again, But Don’t Sleep Around

Forty Years of No-Fault Divorce

Fighting a Divorce Online: A Cautionary Tale

Divorced? Don’t Hurt Your Chances for Finding Love Again

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Mars and Venus Starting Over

Is John Gray’s book specifically for those who are divorced

and looking to move on from grief to love.

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Posted in Divorce