Ask Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?

June 6, 2009

Dear Lauren,

I’m 24 years old. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half. And I moved out of my parents house when I was 23, and never lived with any one before that. We were dating 4 months when we decided to move in together. But every now and then he will want his alone time. I sometimes don’t understand, because I feel like he is mad at me when he gets this attitude that he needs his alone time.

One  example is a couple of nights ago we had a great day and at night he wanted his “cave time” I was totally acceptable for it, but I had this issue and he went completely off on me because I came down stairs and he laughed out loud asked him what? and he said sorry you’re in bad mood, I am in a great mood. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad. So I asked him if he was trying to make me feel bad? He just lost it, and said that he needs to have his “alone time,” and that if I don’t understand this that we will break up.

He feels that I don’t respect his needs, and he is still upset with me, even though this incident happened two days ago. What’s going on? and what can I do to make it easier for me and for him?

~24 in Colorado

I love the way you phrased your question: “What can I do to make it easier for me and for him?”

Because right now making it easier for him is what’s going to make it better for you.

Cave time is not personal. A man doesn’t do it to spite his woman. You’re example of him going into his cave followed “a great day.” I’m guessing a great day includes laughter and touching and emotional intimacy. Intimacy stimulates the hormone oxytocin. In a woman, this hormone lowers her stress and gives her an overall sense of bliss. In a man, it lowers his testosterone hormone, thereby increasing his cortisol levels and his stress.

Men need time alone to do masculine things,  like playing or watching sports, to rebuild their supply of testosterone. Testosterone does to men what oxytocin does to women. This is why he retreats into his cave.

Dad always jokes that if you want something from your man during cave time, it better be important, because it could be the dragon who answers. And dragons are notorious for breathing fire at beautiful innocent maidens.

I know I know…it’s one thing to understand this process logically but sometimes logic isn’t the only judge to be swayed. After a great day where you’ve felt so close to him and you are so happy, it can hurt your feelings to see him pull away.

I have been raised from a baby knowing about a man’s cave time. When it came to my first relationship, I knew what to expect, and I left him alone when it came to it. It did hurt my feelings, though and in my own little ways I let him know how it made me feel. Whether it was as subtle as a hurt look, or a one word answer to a question, or as abrupt as me saying something like “are you doing this to make me feel bad?” These might seem like small harmless things to us because in reality we are “respecting” their alone time. We leave em alone right?! What more can they ask?

Unfortunately, we women have an incredible talent for making men feel guilty. All these looks and passive-aggressive displays of disappointment do not go unnoticed. He notices. It makes him feel like he is wrong for needing his cave time, and it makes him feel angry that he is upsetting the one he loves. Men feel responsible for their woman’s happiness. It’s not their job but that’s the reality. He sees you are not happy with him pulling away and it makes him feel worse. Thereby stressing him out and extending his cave time.

There is no set time for a man to be in his cave. Sometimes it’s an hour. Sometimes it’s a week. He could be holding on to this single misunderstanding as a way to create distance between you because on some level it means he has a legit excuse for cave time.

My advice is to take action. Hanging on his mood swings, trying to understand his strange Martian habits is exhausting. Make a plan to go away for a weekend, longer is better if you can. Spend a few days at a friend’s house. Pamper yourself with facials and petticures and chick flicks. Get your own oxytocin levels up, relax and make yourself happy.

Before you go on this little adventure, clue him in so he doesn’t feel ditched or “punished.” Ever so casually with a big smile on your face, completely ignoring is funk, let him know that your friend has invited you over for a few days, you’re really excited about it, and that you’re all packed up. Give him a kiss and smile so he knows “this has nothing to do with him” and leave.

When you return, let your well-earned happiness seep through every pore. This will be extremely attractive to him and he will come to you.

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.

Her column will appear weekly, on Saturdays.

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