Better Parent-Teen Communication

May 24, 2009

Contrary to the popular media myth that teens want to have nothing to do with their parents, surveys both in America and other places around the globe find that over two-thirds of all teens believe that they don’t spend enough time communicating with their parents.

Now as researchers quickly acknowledge, if this question had been asked of teens in-group situations, say a dozen teens at a time, chances are ten percent or less of those teens would say that they want to spend more time with a parent. But when one-on-one interviews are conducted, teens invariably relate the belief that the time they spend with their parent is insufficient.

Studies also show that the happiest and most successful adults are consistently the product of close parental ties where good communication was a mainstay of home life. Note, however, that no realist expects parent-teen communication to always be trouble free. But there are ways that you can enhance the quality and frequency of your communication. Here are three important steps.

1. Begin by reflecting on how you are currently communicating with your teen.

It’s of course difficult to recall most of those past conversations, but think about the exchanges that you have had over the past week or two. Ask yourself this simple question: “Do I talk to my teenager?” or, “Do I talk with my teenager?” Whenever we talk to our teenagers we often find ourselves questioning, reminding, blaming, threatening, demanding or judging. You may get the immediate result that you want but it’s the old story of winning the battle and losing the war.

Talking with our teens begins with a willingness to listen. Moving beyond the, “because I say so,” position, listening means that we have a willingness to hear and possibly accept our teen’s point of view. Not having done this in the past does not mean you cannot start now to encourage them to express their own views and to share their feelings and concerns.

2. It’s not just your words but how you say them. Today most moms and dads are coming home from a long day of work and hoping to tune out the world and get some quality time for themselves. Often conversations with our teens do not come at a convenient time. Still we must find that extra energy and additional patience to discuss important issues with them. Issuing orders is perhaps less demanding for a parent but will create negative results for the future. So keep in mind that your tone of voice reveals a lot about what you’re thinking especially if you’re being impatient, dismissive or sarcastic. Smiles, frowns, shrugs, grimaces, hugs, and other “body language” all say a great deal.

Whatever you do, don’t let a long, or bad day at work, lure you into making snap judgments and issuing quick and insensitive proclamations. Try your best to just listen, which means not interrupting your teen as they attempt to express what’s important to them.

3. Know that boys and girls communicate differently and adjust accordingly. Girls invariably have stronger communication skills and are more prone to express themselves verbally than boys. For girls the key, and this is particularly important for dads, is to cultivate your ability to listen. Dads, being the Martians that they are, will often want to rush in with a quick fix. They are wise to resist that temptation and to patiently listen to a teenage daughter who will often feel better just knowing that she has a parent with an open mind, and a caring heart.

As for boys, they are more likely to open up about concerns when communication is not on the menu. For example, when a mom goes for a long car drive with her son, or dad goes out fishing or hitting golf balls with his boy. Teen boys, much like the men they will shortly become, tend to go mum when talking is part of the plan. But, when it’s just part of being together with mom or dad, that’s when they’ll open up.

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Mother’s Day: Honor, Tradition and Celebration

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Posted in Parenting, Teens