When you both are happy, so is your child.
There are times when our instincts can lead us astray, whether it’s how we communicate in our marriage, or how we communicate with our children. So yes, there are times when we need to hold back on our natural inclinations and use advanced relationship skills to help guide us through difficult moments.
Sharing our feelings openly with our children can be one such time when our instincts let us down. How we fall into this “feelings trap” is perfectly understandable. The results, however, are anything but desirable. Here’s why:
Children are hardwired to please their parents. When parents share negative emotions, their children feel an instinctive responsibility to comfort their parents.
Parents who have transitioned through a divorce with young children living in the home have seen this dynamic up close. Even when the parent did not make the mistake of sharing their anguish over the failure of the marriage with their child, or children, they still witness the dramatic shift in the child’s behavior. Children’s emotions in all situations where they are trying to comfort their parent will range between guilt (“What might I have done to cause this?”) to uncertainty and despair.
When parents share negative emotions, the child feels an overwhelming need to provide comfort for the parent. In a very real sense, the child begins to feel responsible for the parent. Although unaware of what they have done, this parent who needs to care for their child has now created a situation where the child feels a need to care for them.
Consider this easy example: When you’ve had an argument with your spouse, do you realize your possible blame or responsibility for that exchange? Similarly, when your child hears you express negative emotions, there is no way they cannot sense a degree of responsibility and a great desire to solve those problems. Or, if not solve them, at least take ownership for his or her parents’ woes.
Worst of all, this sharing of negative feelings can lead to a particularly bad outcome as the children grow into their teen years.
First, this need to carry and manage a parent’s negative emotions can numb a child into ignoring his or her own feelings.
Second, these children are most likely to pull away emotionally from their parents and stop communicating with them for long periods of time.
Feelings good and bad are part of our human experience. None of what has been written here is meant to convey the impression that you don’t want to discuss emotions with your children. How it’s done is the key.
Parents can, for example, relate a story of how they felt when confronted with a difficult decision during the years that they were growing up. This effectively allows for an exchange of feelings without ever making the child responsible for the happiness of the parent.
Definitely talk to your child. But do so in a manner that doesn’t cast blame and doesn’t cause fear. Instead, be open to their own questions and concerns–and the outcome will be happier all the way around.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
To learn more about the power of positive parenting, visit the John Gray library for your own copy of Children Are From Heaven.
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