Empty-Nesters. Cry, or celebrate?
As we pass through the ages and stages of our lives and relationships, we find few transitions so jarring as that of going from full-time parents to the life of empty-nesters.
For the last several decades the common perception has been that after losing children to college, parents are utterly devastated by that loss.
However, new research in the Journal of Psychological Science makes the case that marital satisfaction actually improves when children leave the nest, despite a trepidation on the part of long-married couples that they will find themselves living at two opposite ends of a now eerily quiet house. Researchers think they know why.
Sara Melissa Gorchoff, a specialist in adult relationships at the University of California, Berkeley, explained in a January 20th article in the New York Times that, “Parents were happy with their kids. It’s just that their marriages got better when they left home.”
An interesting result of the study was documentation of the negative impact that children can have on the marriage: not by their departure from home, but during the years that they reside with their parents.
There is little doubt that having a child, or children, adds to the happiness of a couple. But the added time and financial constraints of raising children can also take a heavy toll on both parents.
“There are fewer interruptions and less stress when kids are out of the house,” explained Dr. Gorchoff. “It wasn’t that they spent more time with each other after the children moved out. It’s the quality of time they spent with each other that improved.”
These new findings beg an old question: What can we do as parents in the midst of raising our children to lower stress and increase the strength our marital bonds and overall happiness?
Here are three suggestions:
1. Don’t devote yourselves totally to the process of raising your children at the expense of your relationship.
In other words, keep romance strong. Have a minimum of twice monthly date nights. If babysitting is too costly, swap with the parents of one of your children’s playmates for date night sleepovers. They can get the same benefit as you, and you have the peace of mind of knowing that the children are with friends and under the care of responsible adults, With the extra money you save, don’t just do a movie. Have a dinner out as well, where you’ll relax and enjoy each other’s company.
2. Work to keep your parenting styles in sync.
One of the greatest issues of friction between parents is differing styles and approaches to parenting. Even if that is the case, if you discuss hot button issues in private and come to a mutually-agreed-upon resolution for them, you’ll be spared heated discussions—especially ones that take place in front of the kids. Talking things out prior to having a situation sneak up on you also allows you to communicate your feelings with open hearts and open minds, so that, together, you’ll find compromise solutions that address the concerns that both of you have.
3. Educate your children as to the financial realities of your world.
Be that a special summer camp, or travel opportunity, or simply the really cool new high tech gadget that they covet, you’ll reduce your financial stress when you come to the conclusion that it’s simply beyond the economic means to satisfy all the desires your children have, or to meet your own material expectations. Don’t get into debt, stay within your budgetary means, and keep the spending under control. Doing so will increase your happiness quotient—and that of your children’s as well.
Ultimately our goal is to enjoy every stage of our lives together: pre-children, as parents, and after your children leave home. Using love and mutual respect to guide you in each stage of life is the best way to assure our continued happiness. Remembering always that the example of our happiness is the most important gift we can give to our children.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
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Tick tock...tick tock...
MVL Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #12:
Dress Up for This Special Day
Do you remember the last time your heart went pitter-patter for your beloved? At the time, your partner probably looked his or her best. That was because he or she was trying to make a memorable impression—and succeeded.
Special occasions call for a little extra effort: all the more reason to spiff up for Valentine’s Day. Women, if you rarely put on make-up, go get glam’ed up at your favorite department store makeup counter. Most makeovers are free, with the purchase of some cosmetics that you’ll now know how to use to your best advantage. Put on a party dress, heels, and do your nails and hair. Guys, a jacket and slacks, or suit with tie, will have her whistling her approval. As the old saying goes, if you look important, you’ll feel important. And when you see the admiration in your partner’s eyes, you’ll feel appreciated, too.
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Have a comment for John, or MarsVenusLiving? Send it to Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
Is Your Teen Ready for College?
5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting
Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts
Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know
Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions
Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences
The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting
Parents, Beware of the Feelings Trap
Dating Violence: Is Your Teen Safe?
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
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