Does he tug on your heartstrings? Speak up!
Dear Lauren: I’ve been developing a friendship with this totally cute guy for a month, whom I totally have a crush on. At this point we are stuck in friend mode. How do I cross over? How do I get this guy to kiss me? —24, in Fort Bragg, CA
Dear 24,
AAAAAAaaahhhhhh! That is a universally awkward situation. Every single person in the world can relate!
The good news is that he probably totally digs you, too. As cruel as this sounds, guys usually don’t spend much time with girls to whom they are not attracted. If you’ve been “developing a friendship,” he’s been around long enough to pretty much guarantee that he’s into you, too.
People always say relationships are better when they are founded in a friendship. And I totally agree! But they neglect to explain how you “cross over” from one to the other. Good thing I’ve lived and learned, and can pass on some tips!
First off: flirt.
Are you a better “talk” flirter or a better “touchy-feely” flirter? If your specialty is words, then walk the line between wholesome and whoresome. If he feels you are nun-like, he’ll be too intimidated to make a move on one so pure.
On the other hand, if he feels you’re slutty, he may actually treat you like a slut (which is bad), or he may be turned off by someone so forward or he may be intimidated by your sexuality and therefore never make a move.
As you can see, it’s important to flirt somewhere in between. You can compliment him on his physique, tell him how he is different from anyone else you’ve ever met (men like feeling special too!), or throw in a few sexual innuendos or puns. Just remember to have fun and not stress.
Do what you can to make him feel like a man.
If he feels manly and confidant he will more likely be brave enough to make a move on you. Most of the time, us girls really don’t need the guy to carry our bags or open a jar. But if we ask him anyway, he feels like he is needed. See, a long time ago women depended on men to bring home the food, protect the home, and knock ’em up, to populate the planet. This made a man feel confident and important. Now we don’t really need them much for the food or for protection, and most of us use condoms to prevent getting knocked up. So sometimes to make a man feel confident we can ask him for help with things…like opening a jar. This is another kind of verbal flirting.
If your specialty is more physical, WORK IT!
Touch his arm when you laugh. Take his arm when you walk. Run your fingers through his hair…um…he had some fuzz in it (wink). Once you’ve bravely crossed the physical boundary and you’re all up in his bubble of personal space, it’s easier for him to just lean over and kiss you.
Don’t be discouraged if even after all your flirting he still doesn’t kiss you.
Some men really need to be hit over the head with the whole thing. At this point, just ask for what you want. Quick and easy.
Of course it can be a little scary because as direct as you are, your rejection could be just as direct. Everyone is afraid of rejection. The key is to acknowledge the fear and realize that the worst that could happen isn’t all that bad.
The worst that can happen is that he gets flattered and you don’t get your kiss. The friendship will not be destroyed.
So now that we’ve addressed the worst scenario, lets talk about the best one.
You say your bit and he is so happy and so relieved that you feel that way too that he grabs you in his arms and he kisses you. Delightful!
Here is a version of what you could say to him: I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you and I’m so glad we met. I love our friendship and I’m very attracted to you and I’m interested in exploring something more with you. Or my personal favorite (tried and true), if you want to kiss me, go ahead. In fact I’d like it.
I know that that is ridiculously direct and therefore daunting. It’s also pretty cookie cutter, so add your personal flair to it. How-ev-er, this will be a breath of fresh air for him, no matter what his response. You are literally handing him a gift-wrapped present by being this direct.
Don’t set it up like it’s something serious. God forbid you tell him “I have to talk to you about something.” It’ll make him pee his pants! If you drag it out and use phrases like “sorta like you” and “I guess it’d be cool if” and of course the popular “um…uh…umm…like…” All that will do is confuse him and make the moment longer. Worst worst case scenario…you have to explain yourself. Uh oh…not again!
If you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud, write it down and leave it somewhere obvious for him to find.
This is a fun problem to have. Be direct. Say it. Odds are in your favor that you’ll get a kiss. So have fun flirting and keep some mints in your purse just in case he preempts your “talk.”
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
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Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?
Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl
Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder
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Dear Lauren: She’s Dating a Younger Guy
Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?
Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”
Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”
Walking Away from Intimate Violence
Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?
Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films
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Wholesome and whoresome Lauren?………Jeez oh petes. I laughed my butt off on that one Lauren. Thats a good one. Way to go!!!