Ask Lauren: He Won’t Commit! What Do I Do?

June 13, 2009

They make a cute couple. So, why doesn't he see it too?

Dear Lauren,  I am a senior in high school. I have been seeing this boy for three months now, and he’s absolutely perfect.  We both like each other sooo much but we have not officially become boyfriend and girlfriend.  Both of our families refer to us as boyfriend and girlfriend even though we aren’t.

I know that he really likes me and we basically are in a relationship in every way except for having the title. We are very exclusive and committed but he wants us to stay how we are and not have the titles boyfriend and girlfriend. I finally asked him why we aren’t officially  dating yesterday, and he said that it is because I will be going to college in the fall.  He doesn’t see the point in becoming official just to break up in the fall because he never considered long distant dating an option before (I will be 2 and 1/2 hours away).

Note: He said it is hard for him to commit now because his last girlfriend cheated on him. He told me that dating me used to be completely out of the question (because Im going away), but now he likes me so much and can’t imagine me not in his life.  I just feel hurt that I can’t be his girlfriend now because he still sort of expects us to break up after summer anyways.  Is he right in wanting us  to avoid a title? I feel that, regardless of him calling me his girlfriend, we are still in a relationship and it’s going to hurt when I leave.  I don’t know how to handle this situation…Should I just leave it alone, or possibly break things off now to avoid the pain later? — Wondering, in Anywhere USA

Avoiding pain is no way to live. Ok sometimes it is. Say ,if you have the choice of walking down a creepy dark alley or a main street, you avoid the alley, right? But in the ways of love, especially when you’re young, live it out loud. Get hurt over and over again. You learn and your heart gets bigger and smarter for it. I understand why you want the title of “girlfriend.” It’s not a ring or anything. But it does give you a place to stand. A place of comfort and when you are comfortable the relationship can go a whole lot deeper. Which is apparently what he is trying to avoid.

It’s clear he has anxiety about relationships and its important to respect his boundaries, BUT it’s not just about him! It takes two to tango and you should definitely ask for what you want. My feeling is that his biggest fear is hurting you. The more attached ya’ll become, the more likely it will be that he breaks your heart at the end of the summer. He, along with millions of young men entering the college world, wants to be free when he leaves his parents house and starts living an independent life. He wants the freedom to meet new people and say yes to opportunities. You deserve that too.

Seinfeld once said something like “why can’t cant guys get three free passes to get out of a relationship guilt free?” I think all men would agree with that sentiment…your’s included. It doesn’t take away from his feelings for you. I’m sure he wants to be with you. However, he knows that in a short amount time he will have to break it off. When he does he doesn’t want to feel guilty for breaking your heart.

So here’s what to say: “Listen dude, I’m not going cheat on you. I care about you and I want to make it official. That little label is important to me. Its going to hurt when I leave regardless. Rather than focus on the future and preventing pain…think about the now. Let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend right now and have a really kick ass summer.” Before you take my next piece of advice, I want you to come to terms with it until it feels genuine and truthful coming from your heart. After you ask for your title let him know that you understand. Tell him you understand that he doesn’t want to continue the relationship past the summer and that that is okay with you. You are on board with that agreement. The relationship is finite…there is an end in sight. You will never blame him for ending it because it is a decision you both make together. Smile so he knows you are happy and looking forward to a wonderful summer of love. He just wants you to be happy.

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.

Her column appears weekly, on Saturdays.

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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus