Dating a younger guy? Keep busy–without him...
Dear Lauren, I’m 27 and have been dating a younger guy for about a year and a half. I was married before for five years and didn’t seem to have the same type of problems that I am having in this relationship. I’m feeling very insecure, I think because I’m older than him, and seem to be relying on him and only him to make me happy. After getting out of my marriage, I lost a lot of my friends and don’t have a lot of family support and now I’m so afraid of losing this guy because he seems to be the only thing that makes me happy in life. How can I find other things in life to keep me occupied and to realize my boyfriend isn’t the only thing to life? Thanks so much! – H., in Dallas
Dear H,
Well of course you feel insecure. Remember in physics class when you learned about an object’s “center of gravity?” The bigger the base, the more stable the object. With minimal friends and family support, you’re balancing your whole life on this one relationship. No wonder you’re afraid of losing him! Without him you’re going to topple over!
You hit the nail on the head. You are insecure because you are relying on him and only him to make you happy. I’ve been there.
Women need support. We are strong, capable, independent, smart, fun people as long as our base is steady. Without a supported “center of gravity,” we can slide into bitch, victim, and needy mode. Yuck. Without our base…no matter what our strength…we start to lose who we are and we crumble.
The good thing is, it doesn’t take much for us to feel supported once we’ve identified the problem. Taking time to do activities you like, for example: cooking, shopping, taking a hike, whatever you like, boost your feel good hormones and brain neurotransmitters and you feel like you can conquer the world.
However, a huge gigantic colossal player in this is friends.
Why? Friends listen. It is almost like magical power. If you talk to your friends and they listen, without trying to solve your problems of course, hormones like oxytocin and brain neurotransmitters like serotonin are increased. Particularly in women, these chemicals help us to relax and feel more happy, content and fulfilled.
The tricky part here is how to collect your new group a friends. Be patient. Quality over quantity. It only takes a couple to get the job done.
It can seem daunting shopping for friends. But I’m going to remind you of something in case you forgot: you are one cool, smart, strong chica and someone is going to be very lucky to become your friend. Here’s how:
1. In your free time, check around your community for groups or classes you could get involved with. Is there a YMCA around? Take dance classes. It’s a great way to get your exercise in and it’s a fast way to get close to the people around you. You really don’t have to be any good at it either. It’s all fun. You’re sweating and laughing, and at the end you’ll have actually created something together.
2. Take a kick boxing class. Again, its great exercise, and people always bond over the teacher “kicking their ass”.
3. If you’re feeling really adventurous, join an improv troupe. It is risky and fu,n and actors are the kings and queens of accepting their fellow improviser and all his/her quirks.
4. Check to see if there are any volunteering opportunities near you. That’s usually a fun, genuine, young group of people that bonds fast because they all support a common cause.
Whenever you start feeling discouraged in your quest for friends, or just lazy, I want you to remind yourself of the stakes. If you continue to rely solely on your man for balance, the weight is going to become impossible for him to hold up and you wont have a boyfriend anymore…no matter how much he adores you.
By pampering yourself, you will free him of some weight. By spending time with your quality friends gabbing about anything and everything, you will free him of some weight. You will have a larger base of support and he will feel so lucky to be a part of it. You will feel secure, supported, and happy.
Your old life went away. Now the fun begins. You get to create a new one.
It seems obvious to me that you already know that your boyfriend isn’t the only thing to life or you wouldn’t be asking your question. The key to developing your base is creating a life for yourself that is independent of your boyfriend.
Remember: he is the dessert you come home to. Now you shop for your main meal.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.
Her column, Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus, appears weekly, on Saturdays.
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