Why Men Go Into Their Caves
July 13, 2009
Time to talk? Not if he is in his cave.
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be truly fulfilling. One important lesson is that when a man is upset or stressed, he will stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. What a woman needs to ignore is that instinct to follow a man into his cave.
That instinct is more than understandable because on Venus one of the important rules is to never abandon a friend when she is upset about something. Because a woman cares for her mate, she wants to come into his cave and offer her help. Her instinct is to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. This is a case where good intentions can lead to bad results. It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. This instinct to follow a man into his cave is the source of much unnecessary conflict.
There are a variety of reasons men go into their caves. Here are four key reasons:
One, he needs to think about a problem and come up with what he believes is a practical solution.
Two, he doesn’t have an answer to a problem and that leaves him perplexed. Remember that men were never taught to say, “I don’t have an easy answer to this question, I’ll withdraw to my cave and figure it out.” Other men just assume that is what he is doing when he becomes quiet. They recognize the same behavioral pattern within themselves.
Three, he has become stressed or upset over something in his life that might very well have nothing to do with his relationship. At these times he retreats to be alone and regain control of himself. He certainly doesn’t want to do or say anything that he will later regret.
Four, he simply needs to find himself. This reason is particularly important when a man is in love because he can begin to feel that too much intimacy robs him of his power to stand on his own. Whenever a guy feels like he is losing that sense of contact with his inner self, alarm bells go off and he will likely head for his cave. In time he will emerge rejuvenated and reconnected with his loving side again.
That and other positive outcomes are all part of this cave process and will occur naturally provided a woman does not interfere with the process. Questions from a woman such as , “Is there something wrong?” or “I know something is bothering you, what is it?” are examples of following him into his cave.
When he keeps saying things like, “No,” or “It’s nothing,” that’s his way of saying “don’t bother me right now, I’ll work through this on my own.” At this stage let him go and give him is alone time. Men are not going to say, “I am upset about something, and I need some alone time.”
It’s important to read between the lines and understand that if he could, this is exactly what he would be saying. The more he is pursued into his cave the deeper into that cave he will go. Be patient. Let him process his issues in his own unique way. When he is ready, he’ll happily share with you what has been on his mind, or perhaps not. Most men will not be happy without a time and a place to retreat. Give him that time and space and you’ll have a much happier Martian.
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July 18th, 2009 at 7:45 PM
[...] The coming together of two people to form a more perfect union is in and of itself a thing of beauty. But no one said that this beauty is created or maintained easily. [...]
November 11th, 2009 at 4:09 AM
[...] He said that he needs space to get away and if I didn’t want to go then I should just stay in town with my family” and he would go on his own. Is he being disrespectful? Or am I being controlling? I thought in a healthy relationship you work together to find a middle ground. [...]
December 26th, 2009 at 5:28 PM
how can a woman know that the man is not going into the cave to think about ending the relationship? or is hiding emotionally as an excuse to cover up an affair?
January 4th, 2010 at 8:36 AM
These four reasons certainly fill in some blanks, but I still do not get a sense of how long they can healthily disappear for. Many times I read about a woman freaking out because he’s been in his cave for a few days or a week. My guy disappears sometimes for many weeks, but re-emerges ready to love again. I find this hard to understand — why so long? But then again, my man seems to really need alone time anyway. I have not been clear enough with him that this bothers me and I do wonder if he will come back; even though it is not good to disturb them in their caves, isn’t it reasonable to ask that they be a lot more clear about how long they will be gone? Some guys just aren’t.