Dear Lauren, Help! Both my boyfriend (of two years) and I are seniors this year. Whereas I’m college-bound and out of state at that, he’s following his dream to be a musician, right here at home. I’ve been accepted to my dream school, and already he’s missing me–and wants to get engaged. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t want to say yes, just because I don’t think he’s asking for the right reasons, though someday I’d like to be his missus. But how do I say no without breaking his heart–or worse yet, losing him? – Class of ‘09, in Santa Clara, CA
I agree with you. If you are meant to be his missus than the time apart will only confirm that you are meant for each other. There is no rush to get married. You are both following your dreams and they are taking you different places. Unfortunately this is a scenario that affects so many young people from teens to twenty somethings. It is hard for everyone. I applaud you both that you have claimed your independence and neither is sacrificing their dream to be with the other. That would only lead to resentment and heartache.
When the right time comes he will ask you to be his wife out of love and a desire to create a life with you. Right now he is asking you from a place of love, definitely but also from a place of fear. He is worried that if he does not tie you down with a contract you will meet someone new and all of his fears and insecurities will become a reality.
You say no because to say yes would not be in your integrity. You say no because you deserve to be asked with the right intentions. You say no because you are young and you deserve more life experiences before you decide something so permanent. You say no because you have to. This gives you the strength to say no and to bruise his heart just a little. It won’t break.
Tell him that you love him more than anything and that him asking you touches your heart like no other gesture he could make. Tell him that one day you can see yourself as his wife. But today you need to be free to live your own independent life. You will miss him when you are apart but if you are going to be happy you need this time to be young and free.
You know all he wants is to make you happy. You know everything else he says to you is fear based and you can ignore it. I do not think you will lose him by saying no. He loves you far too much. Besides, if this is truly an ultimatum and its either you get engaged or he leaves you than this man is petty and controlling and does not deserve your generous heart.
Long distance relationships are hard. Really hard. Love only takes you so far…then comes communication smarts. I recommend reading my Dad’s book, Mars and Venus on a Date. I read it with my boyfriend while he was in Amsterdam and I was living in Boston. It helped a lot. Good luck.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist. To welcome her we will be running her “Dear Lauren Column” today, and her column will appear weekly starting this Saturday!
that made me more hopeful. Im going to college in the fall while my boyfriend is staying home. its less than an hour away but to me i imagine it’ll feel like a lifetime. We have been together for two years and I can honestly say, I can see spending the rest of my life with him…Im just worried about the college aspect. we’re both different and i know we’re both going to change. i just really want us to stay together and i know he wants it too. its just disheartening when people say it won’t last….
[...] we argue too much (I think we argue a normal amount.) He does say he wants to marry me some day and can’t imagine life without me. I want to live day by day, but it deeply hurts me that people who have been together for far less [...]
I’m glad it made you hopeful. I say live in love as long as it lasts. Stay in the moment, appreciating the time you have together, rather than looking at the future. This will only make you want to tie yourself down to prevent losing that love. You may stay together, you may not. The idea is to live in the moment and be open to what the world gives you. College is a brilliant time for self-exploration and I hope that you take advantage of that. It doesn’t mean have a bunch of boyfriends but it does mean change. Embrace the change. And if people say it won’t last. Screw them. Don’t listen. If it doesn’t feel good to hear that just say “thank you for your opinion.” That’s it. That’s all it is is their opinion. Good luck Ashley, I wish you every happiness.