Dear Lauren: On Again, Off Again

July 18, 2009

It's heaven when he's around. But when is that?

Dear Lauren, My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three weeks. He was very attentive and called several times a day and we were inseparable. Recently, he called to tell me that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. However, when that night came, he decided that he just wanted to stay home and relax. He said he wasn’t mad but wanted me to let him be. All day I felt completely heartsick, thinking that it had something to do with me and with us. I keep wondering what it is that is bothering him so much to make him so withdrawn.

I hate that he is having to deal with such a burden. I promised myself I would understand when he needed “cave time.” I am asking for you to please give me some advice so that this is not weighing so heavily on my heart. I just feel so lost and helpless.—Britney

Dear Britney, Isn’t it amazing how every time he calls it feels like such a treat but the moment that little luxury is taken away we are reduced to feeling lost and helpless? It’s almost like we’ve become addicted to his attention without even noticing. It’s a yucky place to be. You have no control over how he feels or what he does. But you do have control over your feelings and your actions. There are tools I can give you that can lift this weight off your heart.

First tool: no worries!

On Venus to love someone is to worry about someone. Your friend goes down to the stream to get water and she doesn’t come back for two whole hours. When she finally walks through the door you say, “Oh my goodness, where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you!” In chick-language this means, “I’ve been thinking about you even though I was doing something else. I was scared something happened to you so I love you.” On Mars it translates into, “I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. You are like a man-baby rather than a warrior.” Telling a guy you worry about him is insulting his ability to deal with a problem. Now that men don’t get to hunt down wild boar for dinner, their only claim to fame is how they solve problems at their place of work. So please…do not worry about him. There is no burden. There is only problems that he gets to solve. Feel lighter yet?

Second tool: understanding!

You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t smother him or demand his attention. He offered it freely and with love. He just needs to pull back for a while. Just as you feel you need more of him, he is probably feeling he needs more of his life back. Not your fault. Sometimes in the hoopla of falling in love, we can lose sight of all the other things in life that make us who we are. Whether that means watching football with the guys, eating your favorite dessert even though it makes you farty, hanging with your family, indulging in a hobby (drawing, fixing cars, etc.) The moment these things are forgotten is the moment your relationship is in trouble. Without this independence and perspective, your significant other becomes your everything. And NO-ONE, no matter how much they care for you, can take the weight of being your everything. As my dad always says, “your honey is your dessert, not the main meal.” Just as he needs to back up and find balance so that he is not “falling over” in love with you, you need to back up for a while. Which leads me to:

Tool #3: Distractions.

Keep busy. The best thing you can do is to occupy yourself doing things you enjoy and spending time with friends. Do one of those green facial masks at home that feel so good but always scare the boys.  Watch The Notebook and cry as much as you like without anyone there to tease you for it. Hang out with your girls and talk nonsense. Light some candles and get your vibrator out. There is no reason romance needs to leave your bedroom just because he’s not there . Keeping busy and happy will deal with your neediness. Which in turn will open the door for him to come knocking again. Not to mention sex is always better if you haven’t seen each other in a while. So no worries, be patient, stay busy, and have fun!

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce

Ten Great Places to Meet Your Soul Mate

How to Call a Guy

Dear Lauren: “I Want Him to Kiss Me”

Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?

Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl

Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder

Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology

Dear Lauren: She’s Dating a Younger Guy

Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?

Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”

Dear Lauren: Long Distance  Dating

Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”

Walking Away from Intimate Violence

Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”

Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again

Why Guys Don’t Call

Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?

Dating on a Budget

Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films

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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus