Practicing Patience with our Children

June 19, 2009

So much to do and so little time. Practicing patience can make all the difference.

Arguably one of the most unfortunate aspects of our modern age is that a family is more often going off in four different directions than finding themselves together. With both parents busy at work and children busy with a variety of school and after school activities, even dinners together can be a rare event.

At the same time when we are together with our children, every one seems to be rushed, and very often, tense as well. If you’re a parent of children under the age of 12, this may seem somewhat strange to you. You might be thinking,”I have all the time I need to talk with my third grader.” You’ll find, however, that as sons and daughters transition through their pre-teen, teen, and early adult years, that time for communication gets less just as in many ways your children may need you now more than ever.

And here’s where it can get tricky: beyond taking the time, you also need patience to communicate with your adolescent when they really need your guidance, and your advice. Not to mention, of course, the fact that depending on their age, generally 15 to 17 is the most difficult time to get kids to listen to their parents, you may need the patience of Job to be able to breakthrough that teenage wall of “Please I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

So, you must practice patience and wait for special moments when you can talk. Here are two such moments:

First, wait and watch for times when your child is in what educators like to call, “a teachable moment.”

It could be, for example, that there is a specific problem that they are having with their homework and they turn to you for a suggestion and some advice. When this occurs the last thing you want to do is say, “Do we have to do this now? I’ve had such a long day.”

That’s probably true and you might be bushed but try to summon that extra bit of reserve energy and look at that assignment with them. Homework can be a great time to communicate about things like: “How are you doing in class? What do you think of your teachers this year? Anything exciting happening this semester?”

Further, if an assignment involves a time in the past that your child is curious about, but has very little first hand knowledge, share your impressions of that time when possible. Maybe it’s Watergate, or how people felt when they saw the Berlin Wall come down, or on the day of 9/11. Often children have very little perspective into our lives before they were a part of it. Share some of those times with them when a teachable moment occurs.

Second, watch for those times when you are one on one with your child.

Perhaps it’s a car ride to a band practice or a visit to a relative. Perhaps it’s a trip that they need to make to a local museum to get extra-curricular credit for a class and you offer to drive, or if they are driving, just go along for the fun of it. When not around their peers and when with you for some one on one time, all sorts of different subjects may arise. Here is another great opportunity for your kids to learn something about you that they never knew.

Finally, never underestimate the power of listening. This is particularly important for fathers with daughters. The typical dad wants to offer solutions and suggestions. Resist that temptation. Always wait or at least ask if they are seeking your advice. In time every parent must learn to transition in roles from guardian to trusted friend. The path to making that difficult transition is paved with love and patience.

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Other MVL Parenting Articles:

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Better Parent-Teen Communication

Infant Language Development: The Gift of Words

Bullying: A New Look at an Old Problem

5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting

Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts

Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know

Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions

Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences

The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting