Discipline and the Part-Time Parent

July 24, 2009

Discipline 101: Not the way you had hoped to spend the weekend with your child.

Let’s be honest, regardless of your gender, the age of the full time parent is all but a thing of the past. Fifty years ago full time moms were pretty much the norm. And in the more forgotten past, life on the family farm usually meant a full time dad, perhaps not immediately on hand, but more often than not, close by.

In the 21st Century that is just about as different as it could possibly be. Now in most cases moms and dads are both out of the house. It’s not unusual for the sitter to arrive before the school or pre-school day begins and then be with the children through the late afternoon and into the early evening before either parent arrives home.

For the late-arriving mom or dad, the last thing that they want to do is to spend those few precious hours in disciplining the children. And on those blessed weekend days when you can be away from the office for an entire 48-hour period you want there to be a maximum of fun and a minimum of behavioral upheaval.

Unfortunately in the parenting of children, particularly young children, a degree of discipline and a bit of emotional turmoil is invariably a part of each day. This raises the very legitimate question, “How can I keep the fun to a maximum and the discipline part of the day to a minimum?” A good place to start is learning how to give effective commands.

The earlier you can do this with your child the better, but remember that children are more pliable than the average adult and even if you’re introducing a new regimen with an older child, if you are consistent and persistent in your approach the child will adapt to your expectations.

Children want to please their parents but, at the same time, they have their own wants and needs. When given the opportunity express what they want, while also getting a clear message of what their parents expect, children will ultimately seek to cooperate.

When parents use guilt or fear as a way to motivate cooperation, they weaken their child’s natural willingness to cooperate. In response to a parent’s anger, frustration, and disappointment, children may become obedient, but they will lose a part of who they are along with a degree of their self-respect.

Before giving your child a command, three steps should be attempted first. One, simply ask for what you want the child to do. Two, when the child resists listen and nurture. If listening isn’t enough offer a reward that is in the near term, such as, “I need you to do this now and as soon as you are done we can go out and play together.” Meeting with no success you then want to give a command.

To command is to tell your child (without equivication) what it is you want them to do. A command is given in a firm, calm, and never angry voice. A command may be, “I want you to put your clothes away,” or “I want you to get ready for bed,” or “I want to stop talking in there and go to sleep.”

Once you use your command voice, you must remain strong. Using emotions, reasons, explanations, arguments, blame, or threats weakens your authority. Also, giving commands without using steps one, two, and three does not work. You’re ultimate goal is to establish a pattern of cooperation. A command is the end of negotiation and if used solely it losses its effect.

Like other aspects of parenting, this technique requires practice. Getting angry and upset all but eliminates your ability to give commands. If the child continues to resist and you can remain calm and repeat the command, one or more times as needed, the vast majority of children will yield to your expectations.

The bottom line for the parent is that ultimately this reduces upset and discipline time and leaves busy parents with more of the quality time they are forever hoping to enjoy with their children.

________________________________________

Other MVL Parenting Articles:

How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage

Better Parent-Teen Communication

Infant Language Development: The Gift of Words

Bullying: A New Look at an Old Problem

5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting

Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts

Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know

Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions

Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences

The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting