Dear Lauren, I am having a very difficult time of finalizing my divorce. For over 15 years, the man I married lied to me. He didn’t work, he hid bills from me, he never slept in my bed, and he called me a “f….ing b—tch” and told me to go back to “the third world country I came from.” Now that I filed for divorce he wants to be the model husband! I always thought I would be married to forever. I am supposed to be a very bright woman, but I can’t seem to make up my mind. I feel responsible for everything for him, financially and all. What are your thoughts about this? — Barbara G in Akron, Ohio
Dear Barbara,
My initial reaction and my sit-with-it-for-a-few-days reaction agree with each other. In choosing divorce, you are absolutely making the right decision! This man is poison. Somehow over the years he’s convinced you that you are unworthy- of happiness, true love, independence, and truth; the whole kit and caboodle. I know my words are no antidote against years of this poison, but I know that being free of him will purge you of this nonsense. Here’s the simple truth: You are worthy. You are wonderful!
We all have a fairytale written in our heads where we will find true love and be married forever and ever. But just because you are married, doesn’t mean you are living that fairytale. The important thing is to recognize when something isn’t working. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It doesn’t mean your life can’t be a fairytale. It just means that you’ve gotten all you can from this relationship and putting it to rest is the strongest, smartest, bravest thing you can do. You are not quitting. You are putting your foot down because you deserve the fairytale.
A healthy romantic relationship/marriage is made up of a woman and a man; NOT a mommy and a pain-in-the-ass adolescent who doesn’t have boundaries. You feel responsible for him because somehow along the way, ya’ll made a tacit agreement. It is an arrangement where you take care of him and in return, he treats you with disrespect so that you feel compelled to stay with the one person who “could” ever love you. You said “yes” to this agreement. All these years you’ve allowed this to happen. You let him treat you badly because that’s all you felt you deserved. The moment we feel we deserve the best is the moment we start attracting the best. There is a reason you attracted this toxic man into your life. Before you can move on to attracting “the best,” you need to look at what that reason is.
The first place to look is your parents. You’ll probably get a lot of information there. We, as children, learn how to love and what love is by watching our parents. If Dad said mean degrading things to Mom or just disrespected her by ignoring or belittling her opinions, that kid thinks, “oh that’s okay because that’s what Love is.” So when a man comes into that little girl’s life when she is all grown up and he is verbally abusive and disrespectful, as long as he says, “I love you,” she believes that is Love. She makes an agreement to take that treatment because that is how Dad “loved” Mom. If she admits that this treatment is unkind and NOT, in fact, Love, than she admits that Dad didn’t really love Mom. This is a leap of logic that is not wholly correct, but it is living in fear of this “realization” that she continues in an unhealthy relationship. You might want to check in with yourself and see if there is a little girl inside you who got a defunct education in relationships. Tell her that Love is when a man treats you like a princess, honors and respects you, and wants you to be happy above all else.
Your husband may claim to be the “model husband” but in my opinion, it is empty words and they are far too late. Check out these columns on MarsVenusLiving: Multiple Marriages: If at First You Don’t Succeed, and John Gray Q&A: Is it Time to Call it Quits?, and Dear Lauren: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do. They will provide tools to support you and help you understand your situation. Armed with a sense of being in this MarsVenus community and knowledge that you deserve the best, go into this divorce with your head held high. Cut the strings that tie you down. You don’t need them anymore. Good luck Barbara…life after this man is going to be a heck of an adventure.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com –Lauren Gray
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Other MVL Articles on Divorce
3 Steps for Mending a Broken Heart
Divorced? Honor the 90-10 Principle
After Divorce, Single Doesn’t Mean Lonely
Single Parents and Jealous Children
Can You Ever Forgive Him? Yes, and Here’s How
Date Again, But Don’t Sleep Around
Forty Years of No-Fault Divorce
Fighting a Divorce Online: A Cautionary Tale
Divorced? Don’t Hurt Your Chances for Finding Love Again
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Is John Gray’s book specifically for those who are divorced
and looking to move on from grief to love.
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I wholeheartedly agree with Lauren. You deserve better. “The moment we feel we deserve the best is the moment we start attracting the best.” So true. Wish you the best!
Do you think the fad of statements like, “Girlfriend your man shouldn’t treat you that way. You should leave him” is what is causing the high divorce rate?
So it goes from physical abuse, which I agree is reason to leave, then to emotional abuse, which starts getting grey. Is emotional abuse, he isn’t there for me, supportive or listens to me (Men and woman communicate differently, Obviously), he is “Mean” (“Mean” is subjective) or What? he doesn’t cook dinner and rub your feet every night??? Girl, you deserve a better man. Next!! Where do people draw the line?
Hi Ken,
Great question! I do not think that statements like those are THE cause of such high divorce rates. I think high divorce rates are largely due to the amount of stress men and women are under today that was never an issue 50 years ago. Grab a copy of Dad’s newest book, “Venus On Fire, Mars On Ice” at http://www.marsvenus.com/xcart/home.php?cat=4, for an explanation of how the genders cope differently with stress and how we can manage our hormones to stay happy and in love with our partners despite our stressful lives.
But I do see your point and as a huge advocate for love, I often find it semi-rediculous how quickly some advice givers can write off a man as not good enough. The T.V. Show “30 Rock” did a great spoof of this idea. Tina Fey’s character Liz (a lonely quirky semi-bitter single lady) becomes famous for the catch phrase, “that’s a deal breaker ladies.” If a man doesn’t shower everyday, that’s a deal breaker ladies! If a man doesn’t cook you dinner and rub your feet every night, that’s a deal breaker ladies! It became so popular because so many people don’t want to look in themselves and take responsibility for what’s not working in the relationship, they would much rather have an excuse to put it all on their partner. Of course this is a spoof: an exaggeration of the way things are.
I think it’s important to work WITH your partner on change before throwing your partner away. I also can see how you can view “emotional abuse” as a grey area. This is why education is sooooo important. Rather than jump to conclusions about your relationship and walk out the door, or settle into something that doesn’t feel good for the sake of a marriage commitment, do some research! Read my columns. Read “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” http://www.marsvenus.com/xcart/product.php?productid=66&cat=4&page=1. Sit down with the Mars Venus Video Library and watch How to Motivate the Opposite Sex, Women Are Like Waves, and Men are Like Rubber Bands (http://marsvenusliving.com/mars-venus-online-library/) These should clear up any confusion one might have on what is “abuse” and what is a simple misunderstanding.
-Lauren