Moving Beyond Negative Emotions

March 22, 2009

When dating, attitude is everything.

As you heal from the trauma of a broken relationship or marriage, it is important to realize that your first priority is to heal yourself of the inevitable negative emotions that this separation has left behind. Nearly every individual who has lived through this experience knows that this is a time filled with tumultuous feelings. You can waiver between any one of these negative emotions: anger, sadness, uncertainty, frustration, disappointment, jealousy, hurt, regret, fear, and shame.

It seems logical that someone attempting to process the many negative emotions that come with divorce would be in no frame of mind to even consider dating. Of course this is not a quick fix, but both men and women can be lured, prematurely, into dating again, because it offers the hope of closing one chapter in their lives and allowing them to open another. Men in particular view dating as a quick fix for their emotional upheaval. For it to work, though, here are a few must-do’s.

The truth is that we are not emotionally ready to start dating again, no less become intimate with a potentially new partner, until we have taken the time to improve our relationship with ourselves by processing our negative emotions.

The first step in achieving this goal is to clear the negative emotions remaining from the wreckage of a failed relationship. Let’s start with those first two negative emotions: anger, and sadness. Anger is generally a reaction to what happened. Sadness is a result of losing what might have been. Both of these emotions can be seen more clearly if you sit down and write a letter to yourself about what you are feeling and why you are feeing that way. In doing that exercise you will see that your negative emotions play off of one another.

Imagine getting stuck in a whirlpool that is dragging you down. Inside this swirling current you see words like hurt, regret, fear, and shame rushing by you. The simple truth is that negative emotions feed on one another and the force of those emotions can bring you down into a black hole from which we ultimately need to either emerge of be submerged by them.

Now that you can see and distinguish each one of these negative emotions, you have a better chance of escaping the burden they can place over your life. This is part of the process of changing the content of negative emotions.

When all of these negative emotions are caught up over the issue of divorce that event is overwhelming to us. When we begin, however, to look at these emotions separately and we see how one negative feeling can feed on another we can change the content of this crisis and start to feel more certain about our ability to leave this difficult period in our lives behind.

Finally, to release negative emotions, consider changing the subject. Too often we are dragged down by negative feelings when we lose our perspective. Rather than focusing solely on your pain, consider the difficulties that other people are having. Put your feelings into a larger context. When you’re not receiving or opening yourself up to the issues of others, your own difficulties can seem unique and overwhelming. One way to guard against this level of self-absorption is to join a support group. Another is to read books, poetry, or see films that deal with the issue of loss and life after loss.

It is never wise to ignore your negative emotions. We must deal with them and process them in our own way and hopefully come through this process with a happier and healthier outlook. When we have done this successfully we are truly ready to again take a risk on romance and dare to find the happiness we always wanted from a caring and loving relationship.

_________________________________________

Other MVL Articles on Divorce

3 Steps for Mending a Broken Heart

Can You Ever Forgive Him? Yes, and Here’s How

Date Again, But Don’t Sleep Around

Divorced? Don’t Hurt Your Chances for Finding Love Again

_____________________________________

Mars and Venus Starting Over

Is John Gray’s book specifically for those who are divorced

and looking to move on from grief to love.

_________________________________________

Posted in Divorce