I’m 27 and have been dating this guy for a month. We both just got out of relationships. A week ago I started to wonder why he wasn’t being particularly romantic. So when he left his Facebook account open I read one of his messages. In it he questioned being with me because he may need a few years to be single and have some fun. Should I take the message personally? Should I worry about it? Maybe we should both be single for a while. Should I tell him I read his email and apologize? I feel like there is a lie between us.

-Taylor from Hartford, Connecticut

Dear Taylor,

No. No. And no. There is a reason we can’t read minds and a reason we have passwords for our email accounts. What people think in the privacy of their heads and express in the privacy of a conversation with a good friend, isn’t fact. It’s just thoughts. Sometimes people need to express and discuss doubts and insecurities so that they can move through them and feel even more confidant with the choices they’ve made. It’s important to judge a man by his actions (not his Facebook dealings!) He is still with you. You need to trust that he still wants to be or he wouldn’t.

On the other hand, if you feel the need to be single then you should explore those feelings and doubts with your own friend. Don’t consider him in the process. He will make the decisions he needs to be happy. Right now he’s happiest with you. If you think you might be happier without him, then it’s on you to change things. His actions say that while the single life has its appeal, life with you has infinitely more potential.

In terms of whether or not you should apologize, don’t. As long as you feel sorry and promise yourself not to read his emails again than there is no reason to tell him about your little…indiscretion. This experience alone should be a good enough teacher as to why we don’t satiate our curiosity and insecurity by invading someone else’s privacy. It’s exhausting analyzing something we aren’t supposed to know. The “lie” between you will only last as long as your guilt. So forgive yourself and any lingering weirdness will disappear.

Now let’s address why you looked at his email in the first place. Why isn’t he being romantic anymore? I know it sounds crazy but his lack of romance probably has absolutely nothing to do with his ambivalence about this relationship! They are most likely two entirely separate things. You see, it is easy for men to take their women for granted. The routine of life sets in and he figures, why pursue if she is already hard won? For more information check out, “Dear Lauren, Is he taking me for granted?”

The trick to nipping this attitude in the bud is to make yourself less available to him. That way if he wants you, he’ll have to get off the couch and actually work for it. Ask him to take you out on a date. Give him three options for things you want to do, tell him to pick one, buy the tickets and arrange the evening. He wants to make you happy. It’s your job to give him the chance.

Check out “Dear Lauren, I try to make it work, he doesn’t” for a more in depth discussion as to the why, how and how to fix a relationship when a man stops being romantic.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I’m in love! Thing is, I had to leave him to figure that out. We met on yahoo personals, became totally infatuated with one another and I moved in with him on his request, 3 weeks later. Over time I started changing to try and please his mom, his friends, and his teenage daughters. He withdrew. I moved out and to another state. At first he was making gestures to “keep me:” emails, texts and cards. Now I know I miss and love him. I sent him emails and a hand written note of apology. Thing is, he’s silent. How do we come back together?

Alexandra from Ashland, Oregon

Dear Alexandra,

There are a hundred reasons why this ended up this way. Lets talk about the 3 main mistakes you made. One: you rushed into the relationship so quickly that you didn’t give yourself time to create a one on one connection before involving family and other people. Two: you moved in so fast that you robbed him of the chance to court and pursue you. Without the danger, risk, and hard work of the pursuit, a man cannot bond with a woman. Three: you changed yourself to fit into his life rather than creating your own life with him, according to your needs and your desires. These three mistakes lead you to being unhappy and unfulfilled and him to withdraw and not take care of you.

When two people meet, fall in love and start a life together within a few weeks, it is not the person you have fallen for but a fantasy. No one is perfect and no one can succeed in living up to a fantasy. When you didn’t fit in, you changed yourself so that things would be smoother, better, more perfect; so that everyone would be pleased. But you weren’t you. So he couldn’t really be his true self either. You didn’t give him a chance to bond with you before you moved in and afterward you abandoned your authentic self for a fantasy version. You may think you are in love with him but first you need to take the time to find out if you are compatible. After spending time just for the two of you, you can finally figure out if it’s love or just simple infatuation with a fantasy.

My advice is to learn your lesson and move on. Mistakes are made so that they may teach us how to do things differently in the future with different results. If you move back in with him and give up your life in whatever state you currently live in, then you will be following in the same footsteps you took before. You will be sacrificing your life to fit in with his. This will only make you needy and it will eventually drive him away…again.

If you really really really want to give this another go, then it’s important not to repeat your mistakes. You need to allow him the chance to bond with and pursue you. To start the ball rolling, send him a letter explaining all the mistakes you now realize you made. Tell him you have a really good feeling about him but that you never really gave this relationship a fair chance. Appreciate him for all the letters he sent after the break up and let him know that there is nothing more you would like than a start fresh. If he responds, remember to take it slow. Let him court you online for a while. Let him visit you a few times. If you move back to his state, don’t move in with him. Remember, the more he has to work to earn your love and commitment, the more bonded he will become to you. Only then can your fantasy graduate to becoming an even more spectacular reality. Good luck Alexandra. We all live, we all love, and we all learn. That’s what makes us so darn extraordinary.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I’m 15 and I haven’t kissed a boy. A month ago I crossed paths with this boy I like after school and we hung out for 45 min and had a lot of fun. But we haven’t talked since. There’s a party soon and he will be there. I was planning to make a move but I am worried he will reject me. I really like him and want something to happen between us. Help.

-Anika from Toronto, Canada

Dear Anika,

It wasn’t so long ago that I stood in your shoes. In high school when I liked a boy, I would spend hours obsessing over every little thing he said to me and every look he shot me. I would gossip incessantly with my girlfriends about what he really meant when he said, “I like peanut butter too.” Does that mean he wants to eat peanut butter with me? If only guys knew how much time girls spent over-analyzing the things they don’t even realize they say…  I’m afraid they’d never open their mouths again! So let’s keep them in the dark shall we? And continue our elaborate theorizing. Frankly it’s just more fun that way.

But it’s no wonder that after all the time you spend thinking and guessing and talking about him, you might experience some stress and pressure about the upcoming party. After all, this is your big break. You’ll both be there and it’s the perfect scene to laugh, connect with him and make your move. But you can’t go in there blind. We need a plan.

If you had a lot of fun together then he probably likes you. The fact that you haven’t spoken since your after school play date could mean anything from he’s shy, to he figures you’re not interested, to he is not interested. There’s no way of knowing except to put yourself out there and find out.

I understand you are hesitant to make a move for fear that you will make an ass of yourself and be rejected. To avoid any potential for humiliation, I suggest leaving the kiss as a thing to look forward to rather than your opening gambit. I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of the “quick, let’s get this over with and just make out” kiss and I can tell you, there is nothing romantic about it. And it can become a thousand times more embarrassing if the person is not receptive. Plus, you’d like to be his girlfriend, not just a party hook up.

Of course, there ain’t no risk in talking to him and showing him your interest. Flipping your hair and giggling at his jokes will only get you so far. Your ultimate goal will be to get him alone. To this I recommend drafting a “wing woman.” Get a girlfriend, preferably a mutual friend, to help you draw your prince charming away from the group (i.e: isolate your target!) At some point she will excuse herself to go get drinks or perhaps to use the little girl’s room. Once you have him to yourself, make some comment about how fun the other day was when ya’ll hung out. And then invite him to go see a movie with you the next day or maybe to see a band. Even if he doesn’t “like you” like you yet, creating an opportunity to hang out more one on one will only lead him in the right direction. Give him your number and tell him to call you to set up the time.

I know it’s not a big confession of your feelings or a smooch but it lays the groundwork for a relationship with no risk of embarrassment to yourself. That’s considered a “win” in my book!

Your first kiss is special. It won’t be perfect. First’s rarely are. But it’s nice to set yourself up for something romantic because this memory will last you a lifetime. A first kiss should be with someone that you like and have become friends with. My first kiss was with a friend. It was at a party and we were outside with a bunch of other people. It was his birthday and someone told me I needed to give him a birthday smooch. I grabbed his face, met lips, quickly stuck my tongue in his mouth, had my first and only experience with braces and fell to the floor laughing. I don’t even want to think about how traumatic that must have been for him but there you go. A few years later that same boy became my first love and we experienced another “first” together. I know, it’s a weird and awkward story but it’s my memory of my very first kiss. And in a way, it is romantic.

If your boy is shy on your date and takes his sweet time to make a move, check out “Dear Lauren: I Want Him to Kiss Me” for tips on…well, how to get a guy to kiss you. I know you want to rush in to the “good stuff,” but don’t forget to enjoy the giddy excitement of your crush developing into something more. That’s the best part. And when you do get your first kiss, try to make it less awkward than mine! : )

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

What should a man do on a first date when he doesn’t know her well?

-Beruk from Portland, Oregon

Hi Beruk,

Great question! And the answer is simple. Be a gentleman. Here is a list of basic first date etiquette that will charm and capture her fancy:

1. Plan the date. If you are the one to plan the date than you already have points in your favor

2. Offer to pick her up and drive but be flexible, she may want to meet you somewhere.

3. Open the door for her.

4. Pay for the movie, dinner, or ice cream. You don’t have to spend a lot. Keep the place casual and affordable (but not fast food!) It’s the act of paying that will flatter her, not the amount of money you spend.

5. Offer her your jacket if the night gets cool.

6. If you are doing anything active for your date like a hike or kayaking, lend a hand if she seems to be struggling.

7. Be supportive of her. Don’t criticize, mock or belittle her points of view (even if you think they’re silly.)

8. Be respectful. You can flirt but do not be perverse.

9. Look her in the eyes and slip her name into sentences. This is a nice technique that will make her feel more connected to you.

10. Turn on the charm. Be positive and lighthearted. Do not complain.

11. Do not discuss ex-girlfriends, previous dating experiences, religion (unless it is a deal breaker) or politics.

12. Ask her questions! What do you do? Do you have any hobbies? Where did you grow up? Where did you go to school? What is your family like? What is your favorite band/TV show/book/movie? Listen, look at her, don’t interrupt, and make little “uh huh” noises. Feel free to tell your own story but make sure she is doing more of the talking than you are.

13. Limit yourself to 2 compliments. One for her beauty: “you look lovely tonight” or “that’s a lovely dress” and one for her character: “you’re funny” or “you seem like a really generous person.” You don’t have to copy mine, what do you like about her? More than 2 will make you sound desperate and make her uncomfortable. Less than 2 will make her feel like you aren’t interested.

14. Some guys kiss on the first date because they “feel a vibe.” Men can immediately tell if they are attracted to a woman and let’s face it, guys are pretty much always “in the mood.” Women, on the other hand, take more time to establish their attraction to a man. My personal feeling about kissing on the first date is that it is weird. I would much rather get to know the man first so that the chemistry has a chance to develop for me as well. So since you asked me this question, I say avoid the kiss and give her a goodnight hug.

15. If you are into her, remember to express your interest in seeing her again before the night is up. A simple, “I’d love to talk more about this sometime” or “I’d like to see you again.” And if you mean it, always end the date with “I’ll call you.” If you don’t mean it, don’t say it! Just say, “It was really nice meeting you” and go on your merry way.

You may feel like being “a gentleman” requires you to be fake or boring. The truth is this list gives you plenty of room to be authentic. It also gives you the opportunity to look like a good potential partner to a woman. This is what will fuel her attraction to you. Don’t worry about pouring your personality on her all at once. You are you and no amount of polite gentlemanly decorum can hide your fun personality. As the dates progress you can see how you can start to bend some of the rules. For example: you are now free to discuss religion, politics, and past relationships (keep this one to a minimum.) You can start to flirt a little more heavily and see if she has a good sense of humor about it. You can kiss her if you feel she has invited you to.

The important thing to remember before you go on a date is this: you are a giant pizza, laden with toppings galore: a fraction Hawaiian, a fraction pepperoni, a fraction olives and feta, a fraction plain cheese… You are more than a girl can take down at one sitting (that’s what she said!) So relax. There is no reason why you should force all of your personality and beliefs on her at once. There is time. With each date you will learn something new about each other. Enjoy the exploration. Follow the rules!

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

Me and my boyfriend have just recently moved in together. I feel like I have been putting everything I have into our relationship and he is just along for the ride. I feel like he has fallen out of love with me. What can I do to get the TRUTH out of him? How do I ask him without breaking both of our hearts?

Mary from Austin, Texas

Dear Mary,

I understand how you could easily come to the conclusion that he has fallen out of love with you. After all, he’s showing all the signs right? Neglect, apathy, lack of passion, laziness… Nothing you do makes any difference and you prepare yourself for the worst. But I believe he is still very much in love with you.

Prior to moving in together, he was still trying to win the hand of the fair lady. He fought for you, brought you flowers, remembered to call you, complimented you, planned extravagant dates…and it paid off. You committed to living with him. At that point, he figured the pursuit was over. He won! Now it’s time to settle in and relax. Mission accomplished. He can take off his shining armor, throw on some sweats and watch the game on T.V. All the while expecting his hard-won woman to remain happy in the relationship.

You see, he doesn’t inherently understand that there is a maintenance plan when it comes to women. He thinks he won you outright. It’s your job to teach him about the necessary “monthly” payments to upkeep his “happy” woman.

Initially a man may resent the idea of “monthly” payments. Why should he have to buy you jewelry, take you out to fancy dinners and plan big vacations all the time for you to believe he loves you? And I agree, that is outrageous! But I’m here to share a little secret with you and I hope that you pass it on. A man doesn’t have to pay the big down payment every time as long as he makes little contributions every day. Unfortunately, expressing affection and caring in little ways doesn’t even show up on a man’s radar as important or necessary. He doesn’t recognize the value of a good morning compliment, a hand picked flower, a surprise cleaning of the kitchen, or taking the trash out without you asking. But to a woman, these little things mean everything. The most valuable secret you can pass on to your man is that the little things score equally with the big things. He doesn’t have to put on the Ritz to maintain your love and happiness. He just needs to show his love in little ways everyday.

If you are generous with your appreciation of him then he will see that in doing these little things he can be successful. He can make you happy. This abundant feeling of success will motivate him to continue making these efforts.

But you need to be careful. Women need the hormone oxytocin in order to feel happy, relaxed, and romantic. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone that is produced when we are feeling nurtured. In your quest to find happiness you have indulged your desire to nurture and take care of the man you love. However, not only does this not serve you but too much oxytocin can lower a man’s testosterone. This inhibits his interest (in you!) and passion (for you!).

A man wants his woman to be happy and he likes taking action for that exact purpose. However, when he stops making those efforts, it is natural for a woman to try to nurture her man and give him even more so that he will have to give her something back. But a man doesn’t like feeling in your debt or like he owes you more love because you dote on him. At that point, the love is not given freely. It feels like a business deal and all his motivation for romance goes away.

Teach him about the little things and show him how he can make you happy. Allow yourself to receive more than you give. And notice the difference in your relationship dynamic. Men bond through physically doing things for their lady so you may come to realize that this process will allow him to fall even more deeply in love with you.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

Sherri from Springfield, Massachusetts

Hi Sherri,

Well it sounds like you rebounded from the big “no no” ultimatum quite nicely. Props to you! It’s nice to reaffirm that there is room to make mistakes in a relationship as long as you can recognize what went wrong and change your behavior accordingly. I’m glad he turned around. Once the pressure is off a man, it is amazing how fast he recovers.

Unfortunately there is no way to prevent him from pulling away in the future. Overtime all men ebb and flow between excitement over you, pleasing you, romancing you and backing off into in their cave. Some men go back and forth more often than others. You cannot prevent a man from backing off; it’s part of his genetic makeup.

In answer to your fantastic question (I’ve been there myself!), answer his calls! As long as you enjoy talking to him, take his calls. The minute you start answering the phone for his sake and not because you want to talk with him…stop! This is the moment you start “sacrificing” for your man. It doesn’t seem like a big deal but it starts a very dangerous cycle. You see, the minute you start sacrificing for your man, you step into the Mommy role, caretaking for her darling son. Twisted much? This leads to your grown boyfriend acting like he’s in diapers and it leaves you feeling like you need your man back. This then leads to needy and clingy behavior on your part, which in turn leads to him pulling away…again. To avoid that negative cycle, just make sure that you keep in touch with what you want. If you enjoy talking to him and his attentions make you feel all girly and desirable then keep answering the phone.  Don’t worry about what answering or not answering will do to him. He’s a man. He can take it.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I’ve just rekindled a past relationship.  I haven’t completely decided on him yet. We are taking it slow and I still go on coffee dates with other men. I notice that he goes into his cave for long periods of time and quite often. I just wonder if this will really wear on me over time. He’s in his cave now. I’m staying away, not contacting him and keeping busy. But, I was starting to make plans for things that we could do together this week and finding time in my schedule to see him. Since I am looking for a potential partner I could start filling the time with more coffee dates. Do you have any advice for me?

Kirsten

Hi Kirsten,

It’s great that you are keeping your options open. When a man is in his cave it’s important not to plan any future activities with him. If you do plan something or set aside time for him then it’s only natural for you to look forward to it. However, there is no way of knowing when he will come out of his cave. If he misses the date you planned, you will feel frustrated and angry with him for disappointing you, even if he might never have known about the plan in the first place! : ) Best to avoid that negativity and disappointment altogether. So my advice to you is to continue dating, making plans with friends and staying busy. When he calls, you can set a date together and you can make time for him where it works for you.

In terms of whether or not his cave patterns will wear on you over time, that’s your call. You need to stay in touch with what you want from a relationship at all times. Do not make sacrifices for this man. If he makes you happy now, let him. Just because he takes a lot of cave time now does not mean he will take that much time forever. Just as there is an ebb and flow to when a man pulls away, there is also an ebb and flow to the frequency with which he pulls away. This can be based in outside influences like work and familial stresses or it can be based in internal hormonal imbalances.

In fact in my Dad’s newest book, “Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice,” Dad addresses the way that stress can effect men and make them pull away from their partners so often that they can appear cold and indifferent (on ice!) It also addresses how stress affects women to the degree that we feel angry and overwhelmed (on fire!) The book provides nutritional, supplement and behavioral support to combat the stress and support men so that they can be more loving partners…more consistently. Check it out.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I am 27 and have been single for 3 years. I go between wanting to be in a relationship but not finding a good guy to not wanting a relationship at all. But every time Saturday night rolls around I think about my lack of a date and it bums me out. I don’t want a relationship but I want to go out and enjoy the Saturday night perks of one. What’s a single girl to do?

Melissa from San Francisco, California

Hi Melissa,

As a sister single lady I can relate to the occasional longing for a Saturday night man. Unlike his Saturday night woman counterpart, he is not a bootie call. He is a gentleman in all respects. He plans the date, picks you up in his car, pays for everything, opens your doors, compliments you, and walks with you arm in arm. In response you get to look forward to the date, dress up, do your hair, put on some pretty shoes and a push up bra so you feel sexy, relax, flirt, laugh and get swept off your feet for a fun night out.

All of these activities produce a hormone called Oxytocin, which is like the happy drug for women. It calms us down, comforts us, stimulates the production of the “feel good” hormone serotonin, makes us feel giddy, and gives us an overall sense of “everything is okay.” What woman wouldn’t want that on a Saturday night? That kind of hormone stimulation lasts a few days and can make a moody Monday feel like a Friday!

And frankly, I agree that single women should not be left out of this luxury. I am of the conviction that no matter what my circumstances are, I refuse to feel deprived. I am gluten intolerant and the moment I start longing for something I cannot have (like a bagel or a cookie,) I bake a gluten-free version of it and I feel abundant. I can create whatever it is that I need. Which is why in my own life I have created something called the “non-date.” It may not be conventional but it meets all my dating needs and my Saturday night man requirements.

In order to have a “non-date” you’ll need a guy that is a friend. Pick out a movie you want to see or a band you want to dance to and a nice place to have dinner. Ask this friend to take you. Tell him you want him to drive and pick you up. This is your chance to put on a cute outfit and do your hair. When he comes to pick you up, give him a couple $20 bills and ask him if he would be in charge of paying for everything that night. He’ll think it’s strange but whatever, I promise you this works. If he doesn’t comment on your hair or your cute outfit, say something like, “What do you think of my dress? It’s new.” I guarantee you, if it is tight or if you are showing a little cleavage he is going to say he loves it, you look great! It doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend or if your dynamic is like brother and sister. Every man loves boobs. Allow the compliment and his admiration to sink in and enjoy it.

When you get to the door of the restaurant, instead of charging in first, wait there until he opens it for you. When the check comes he will pay and you can thank him for taking you to such a wonderful dinner. Sure you know and he knows that you paid for your part and you planned the date but here is where some gender magic happens. A man will automatically puff up and take credit for anything you enjoy no matter how little he had to do with it. For this moment, go with the flow. If he believes he planned and paid for the date than there is no reason you shouldn’t believe it as well.

As you are strolling to your next endeavor, hook arms with him and give him a little squeeze. If he is surprised by your touch just act natural and he will enjoy it as well. If your friendship has any kind of mushy boundaries and you think he might be enjoying it a little too much, this is a good time to say, “Thanks for taking me out tonight. I really needed a fun night out with a buddy. I hope you know that I really appreciate our friendship and I would never want to mess with that.” Easy peezy. You have stated your intentions clearly and appreciated him for what you can receive from him.

Now some people may feel like this whole process is “using” a guy or leading him on. I disagree. Men enjoy making women happy, including their friends. You’ve asked him for everything you want and he is happy and relieved to be able to succeed in making you happy and not have to think about how to do it. He loves this feeling of success and you have given it to him on a silver platter. As long as you are clear with your intentions and don’t flirt too hard (stay away from talking about sex! Or else that is all he will think about) then you can avoid leading him on. This is just one example of how men and women’s opposite natures can feed and support one another. Men love giving, women love receiving. Friendship is no exception. And frankly, practicing receiving from a male friend can only ensure a healthier romantic dynamic whenever that should cross your path.

So next time you want a Saturday night man, call up your buddy. Tell him what’s happening and enjoy the evening as a non-date! If you are skeptical, my advice is to give this a try. The proof is in the pudding. Observe how you feel after you say goodnight and how you feel the next morning. I guarantee you will feel fantastic.

Just a little note: Many women are of the belief that if they have to ask a man to do something than whatever he does do doesn’t count. Everyone who chooses to live this way will suffer from thorough disappointment. A man cannot read your mind and he doesn’t share the same priorities and likes as a woman. It is important for women in relationships and single women to practice asking a man for what they want and then being able to receive it. The qualities and rewards of a non-date can easily transfer to a conventional date for couples. It’s time that women took charge of their happiness and gave guys a freaking break. Ask him for what you want and enjoy it when you get it!

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I am a victim of huge expectations. So, lately I’ve been thinking…is there really a Mr. Right out there for everyone? And if there is, how can I change this fear of mine that he is impossible to find?

-Alicia from Mexico City

Hi Alicia,

I believe in Mr. Right and I believe that there is at least one for every single lady who is ready for love. The figure of Mr. Right is all very mysterious and sometimes he is hiding under a mountain of absurdly idealistic expectations. So lets define, who is Mr. Right? And how can one find him?

Mr. Right is not a summation of the list of credentials you made up for the “perfect” man. He is not just any guy who says, “I love you.” He is not going to look like your favorite movie star and act like your favorite superhero. And he will not save you from your life.

Mr. Right is the man that meets your needs and makes you happy. If you rely on a man to meet ALL your needs than you will doom your search to fail because you have unrealistic expectations. Your job is to fill your life with love, support, family, friends, hobbies and work. Then notice what needs are left over that are not being met. This small list of remaining needs is the realistic job description for Mr. Right. If you both do your jobs well, you will find each other and be happy together.

As you grow and learn, your life and needs will change. Your version of Mr. Right may change as well. This process of learning and growing, involve, what I call, a series of “Mr. Right Now’s.” Every year we change and grow into more evolved people. I notice huge changes in who I am and what needs I have year-to-year. And I find that I always manage to attract a new person into my life that meets those needs and teaches me something I am ready to learn. These experiences take me to the next level. I believe that the sum of these Mr. Right Now’s will lead me to become the person I need to be to eventually attract my life partner.

Just as I may not be ready to meet my ultimate Mr. Right, he may not be ready to meet me. I don’t want a piece of chicken that’s undercooked! Ill let other girls deal with that mess. When he is hot, ready, and cooked to “perfection,” he will find me. Meanwhile I will get myself ready and enjoy my time and development with some wonderfully charming Mr. Right Now’s!

When it comes to finding Mr. Right/Now (whichever it may be) compare the arduous dating process with the romantic and everlasting fun of shoe shopping. That’s right. Date as if you are trying on shoes. Have a sense of what you want but at the same time, stay open minded. One of those 3-inch spike heels might actually be comfortable! The flats that look the most appealing might rub your toes wrong. Sure looks are important when it comes to shoes but the most important thing is, how do they feel? How do they make you feel? When you try them on, just a try, (you are not committing to anything by saying yes to a walk around the store) observe if they make you feel confidant? Happy? Irritated? Small? Silly? Shy? Sexy? Relaxed? Nervous? Uncomfortable? Just observe. Don’t bother wondering if the pair of shoes “likes” you back. That’s just silly. And it certainly shouldn’t determine whether you like the pair of shoes!

If you feel any version of bad with the guy then don’t go out with him again. If you feel any version of good with him then let yourself be interested. If he calls you, great! This is your opportunity to either let him know that yes! You’d definitely like to see him again. Or “thank you so much for the date. It was lovely to meet you. But I am not interested in pursuing the friendship any further.”

I notice that some girls wait by the phone for a guy’s call, even if they are not at all into him. This is our natural human desire to be liked. But please don’t base your self-esteem on whether he calls you for a second date. You are a perfectly lovely woman; you might just not be the lovely woman for him. Everyone has different tastes. My friend likes ketchup on her spaghetti. I like pesto. You don’t see ketchup getting insecure because I don’t like it that way. Somebody else loves ketchup on spaghetti. It only takes one to be loved. So if he doesn’t call. No big whoop. He’s not the man to love you.

Finding love is a process. It’s important to never let your impatience to find Mr. Right distract you from the real journey: one of your own self-realization and development. Stick to your path and you will invite Mr. Right in at the perfect time. In the meanwhile, go with the flow, stay open minded, try on a bunch of shoes (twist my arm!) and fill your life with love, support, and happiness. Trust that he is out there.

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months. Then he got very busy at work and after 6 weeks of spotty contact I told him my feelings were hurt.  I emailed/texted him multiple times a day asking what had happened and when could we talk?  He sent an angry email saying he was working 14-hour days and couldn’t deal with this right now and that all he has to offer is friendship.  Am I pathetic to hope he might want to be with me after things calm down?  If he does, should I expect an apology for the lack of communication or should I apologize to him for being needy?

-Liz from Bozeman, Montana

Hi Liz. I see you are confused. One minute it’s all gravy and then next you are demoted to being “just a friend.” So lets break this down and play the last couple months for you in slow motion. This way you can see what happened and how it can be done differently in the future with different results.

In the beginning he digs you. He loves to see you happy and he loves that he can make you happy.

Then he gets busy at work and you fall out of sight and out of mind. Women are brilliant at multitasking because we have 8 times more connector cells in our brain than a man. Which means he is brilliant at slaying the dragon right in front of him (work) and less brilliant at writing a shopping list at the same time (pursuing you.) It’s got nothing to do with how much you mean to him and has everything to do with how a man’s brain functions.

Since he stops pursuing you, you naturally feel rejected, unloved and unimportant. You take his absence personally and you’re feelings get hurt.

Then…dun dun dunnn…you tell him about it! This is a critical moment where things start to go south. While you are sharing your feelings with him as an act of intimacy and through a desire to connect, he thinks you are blaming him for not being a good enough boyfriend. He is upset that you are no longer happy and upset that he cannot do anything about it!

You send countless texts and emails demanding him to answer for his neglectful behavior. And through your nagging you push him away. At this point when he gets your messages, he will not associate your name with fun memories and sexy times. He will associate your name with the guilt he is feeling for not calling you, and the irritation he is feeling because he is trying his best and obviously failing at making you happy.

He responds with an “angry” note because he is frustrated. He is frustrated with his situation, NOT at you. He is working at max capacity trying to succeed in work and in this relationship and you have shown him that his effort is not good enough. He offers friendship to you because he hopes he can succeed in being your friend and that he will no longer disappoint you.

Which brings us to where you are today. Do not expect an apology from him. He tried his best. There is nothing to apologize for. But there is something that you can say that can make a big difference in saving this relationship. Send him an email saying, “Looking over my letters to you I realize I was being a little needy. Thank you for your patience. I understand how hard you are working and I am getting my act together now. When work lets up, I’d love to spend some fun one on one time with you. Let me know.” Give him space and wait for his call.

But remember these words are just words. He will not trust you if you do not back them up with actions. Change your ways and he will change his response to you.

In the future, rather than tell a man your feelings are hurt, tell a girlfriend or write it down in a feeling letter (for yourself.) If you want to connect with him because you miss him, don’t send a million messages asking him to connect with you. Instead, connect with him by sending him updates on your day, little “FYI’s.” For example: “I went to the grocery store today and ran into my high school math teacher…small world. I am going to make meatballs for dinner.” Tada. Imagine him reading it and you’ve got yourself a connection! Now that you know not to take his silence personally, you can, with a good attitude, put yourself back into sight and into his mind by sending him these friendly undemanding “FYI’s!” He will be so grateful that you have given him the space to do what he needs to do and he will see that he IS enough to make you happy. At this point, you can be assured that the minute things calm down he will call you and he will want to go out.

But for now, send him your “apology” email and wait for his call. Your mistakes are not irreparable. Love inspires forgiveness and flexibility.  Opposites attract but we sure do confound each other along the way!

************************************

I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray