There are five keys to asking a Martian for his support. Any one of which might provide the essential path to reaching him successfully. Those five keys are: Appropriate Timing, A Non-demanding Attitude, The Use of Brevity, Being Direct, and perhaps most importantly, Correct Timing. Let’s now examine more closely each one of these five keys to asking a man for his support.

1. Appropriate Timing – Don’t ask him to do something that he is obviously planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash don’t say, “Could you empty the trash?” Timing is critical. Also, avoid asking when he is fully focused on some other project, even if that project seems frivolous to you.

2. A Non-demanding attitude – Remember that a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given.

3. Brevity – Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you. Assume that he doesn’t have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself, the more likely he is to resist. Long explanations make him feel as though you don’t trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support.

4. Directness – Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When a woman needs support, she may present the problem but not ask for a man’s support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects to ask for it directly. In other words, she implies the request but does not directly state it. An indirect request makes a man feel that he is not fully appreciated.

5. Correct wording – One of the most common mistakes in asking a man for support is use of the word “could” and “can” in place of “would” and “will.” “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request. On Mars it would be an insult to ask a man “Can you empty the trash?” Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he do something but rather will he do what is asked.

There are few places where the Mars/Venus difference is more apparent than in how we  ask and how we give or get support. A man sharing an apartment with his old college buddy is never going to suggest that he help bring up the stair with some packages he’s carrying. On Venus, on the other hand, it’s basic manners to offer assistance. On Mars it unrequested assistance says, “I don’t think you can do this on your own.” On Mars if you need help, you ask for help. Otherwise, you mind your own business. Men don’t understand this is not the custom on Venus. It is anticipated that you will offer help. So remember, if you want to G-E-T from a Martian, never forget to A-S-K!.

The study, released by the U.S. Department of Justice, noted that the percentage of children reporting physical bullying over the past year had declined from 22 percent in 2003 to under 15 percent in 2008. That percentage difference is a huge drop in a relatively short period of time.

The survey’s lead author, Professor David Finkelhor, was pleased and encouraged by the findings. “Bullying is the foundation on which a lot of subsequent aggressive behavior gets built,” said Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center. Finkelhor believes that if violence is indeed going down, we will reap future benefits in the form of lower rates of violent crime and spousal assault.

In a MarsVenusLiving article in June of 2009, “Bullying, A New Look at an Old Problem,” we noted that the American Academy of Pediatrics had published a new policy statement on a pediatrician’s role in preventing violence. For the first time the policy encompassed the topic of bullying. At the time of its publication, many doctors, who specialize in the field of children’s health, explained that they were glad to see this addition.

One such physician, Dr. Joseph Wright, senior vice president at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington and the chairman of the pediatrics academy’s committee on violence prevention, explained that a quarter of all children report that they have been involved in bullying, either as bullies or as victims. “Protecting children from intentional injury is a central task of pediatricians,” Dr. Wright said, “and bullying prevention is a subset of that activity.”

In the recent past it was estimated that each day in America 160,000 children refuse to go to school for fear of being bullied. By definition, bullying occurs when a child is repeatedly the target of teasing, taunts or actual physical attacks.

Finkelhor noted that anti-bullying programs had proliferated in recent years and have received funding boosts following the 1999 Columbine High School shootings in Colorado. ”There is evidence these programs are effective,” he said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re seeing the fruits of that.”

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, which has been implemented in several thousand schools across the US, is one such program. It includes forming an anti-bullying committee to intervene immediately if bullying is observed. A representative of the committee meets with students and parents as issues arise. The aim is to prevent patterns of violence from taking root and becoming part of the classroom dynamic.

Marlene Snyder, a development director for Olweus, said the survey’s results were heartening to those in the anti-bullying field but not cause for complacency. ”The decline is not happening everywhere,” she said. “It’s in schools where adults really understand how detrimental this conduct can be and have made a conscious effort to bring these numbers down.”

School violence is an issue that can be successfully addressed and behaviors modified only with a concerted effort on the part of educators and parents to take the problem seriously and work proactively to reduce, and hopefully one day eliminate, school and youth violence. These newly published results indicate that we are moving in the right direction, and we will hopefully continue down that path.

“Celluloid Ceiling,” which is an annual review issued by San Diego State University detailing employment  opportunities for women in the supposedly liberally minded field of film production, reported that out of the 250 top grossing films released in North America during 2009, women directed only seven percent of them. That represents a decrease of two percent form 2008, and more remarkably, it indicates that there has been no change in the percentage of women directing major films since 1987. 

How many fields have shown no growth in women assuming a top executive position over the last 22 years? It just doesn’t seem possible, but when Bigelow was nominated for her film, The Hurt Locker, which also took the night’s top honor, as best picture, she joined a short list of just three other women who had been nominated in the past for best director: Sofia Coppola for Lost in Translation (2004), Jane Campion for The Piano (1994) and Italian director Lina Wertmuller for Seven Beauties (1977).

Martha Lauzen, who authored the San Diego State study explains that Hollywood is in denial about the lack of women behind the camera:

“I’ve heard editors of major trade publications as well as the heads of studios simply say there is no problem. They’ll either say no celluloid ceiling exists or they’ll rattle off four or five names of high-profile directors who happen to be women and then with a shrug say, ’see – there’s no problem. Well that’s incredibly misleading. Just because you can name four or five women directors doesn’t mean no problem exists. If you don’t think there’s any problem then you’re not going to be looking for a solution and that perpetuates the status quo.”

Greatly pleased by the Bigelow win, one British film festival director, Amy Mole, told the BBC “Her win feels like a momentous occasion – by putting the spotlight on fabulous directors like Bigelow and making her a role model, I hope women and girls can see the role of a film director as something more attainable.”

Bigelow herself made no mention of the gender gap in film direction and production during her first acceptance speech for director, or moments later when she came back on stage to accept the award for best picture. Rather she graciously acknowledged the essential role of our “men and women in uniform” in Iraq, Afghanistan, and here at home.

Nevertheless, it is safe to say that Bigelow’s win, especially when one considers that her subject was a tension filled, gritty portrayal of urban combat, will reverberate throughout Hollywood studios and lead to a reconsideration of the enormous talent that women can bring to a world long dominated by a line of famous men from Hitchcock to Scorsese, from DeMille to Cameron.

His purchase and that conversation now stand for “all that appears to be wrong with our relationship.” This is his third marriage and my first.  I have asked for an annulment from him, but he says we can still make our marriage work.  He believes now that all his feelings are finally out in the open, and we can move on. Still, my gut instinct is telling me to get out. John, what do you think? Patricia in Fairfax, Virginia

Dear Patricia, At this phase of his life, Tom would be the wrong person with whom to begin a family.  Clearly he has issues about relationships—including this one. While there is a part of him that wants to be married, his purchase of this car, without your input or even your knowledge, was his way of saying that he truly wants to stay uncommitted to anyone at this time, including you.

If you decide to stick it out, he might placate you for a time, but more surprises like this would likely follow in the months and years to come. Trust your instinct to go your separate ways.

Finally, if, during the coming year he has taken the steps necessary to work through some of his issues, and you both want to give it another try, take it one day at a time without any rush to recommit. I don’t think there was any intention on the part of Tom to act maliciously even though he did hurt and deceive you. There is a part of Tom that sees himself both married and a dad. This is a conflict that he has within himself; a conflict that he needs to resolve, perhaps through working with a therapist. You don’t have to stop caring about him, but you are right to think that at this point in his life, he is not that guy you, or he for that matter, would like to be. All my best, John

Using a unique visualization technique to study memory, a research team led by Lulu Chen and Christine Gall found that everyday forms of learning animate neuron receptors that help keep brain cells functioning at their optimum levels. These receptors are activated by a protein which facilitates the growth and differentiation of the connections, or synapses, responsible for communication among neurons.

New studies of brain function are being released on a weekly and, in some instances, daily basis. As the largest segment of the baby boom generation begins to enter their sixties, the issue of maintaining healthy brain function has never been so important or garnered so much attention. As John points out, the quality of our relationships in later life could have a profound effect on the continued good health of our brains.

The daily back and forth of a relationship, John explains, stimulates our brains with new and different thoughts. Thanks to a growing body of research, it’s apparent now that brain growth occurs when we are exposed to views that are different from those of our own. We are most likely to be stimulated by the thoughts of our life partner and so an intimate relationship in later life, in addition to a variety of other benefits it creates, keeps our minds more active and engaged and therefore healthier.

Dear Dee, I understand how your impulses lead you to take this action. As trained as I am in Mars/Venus protocol, there is always the tiny voice inside me that speaks up when I’m not getting enough attention. It says, “Walk away…really dramatically! If I threaten to leave him then he’ll have to run after me. He’ll make a big show of how much he loves me to win me back.” Unfortunately, this is a crazy voice and should, under every circumstance, be ignored! It is immature, catty, manipulative, and most of all, disappointing, because it never yields what you want it to. All it does is push the other person away. You wanted him to call you but you ended it. You want him to give you closure but you didn’t give him a chance; he was dumped by a letter. At this point he is hurt and confused. He figures if you wanted to work things out you would open the door of communication again. You are, after all, the one that closed the door.

I’d like you to read my column “Dear Lauren: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” It’s important to distinguish between a “feeling letter” and a “breakup letter.” I’ve experienced the feelings of neglect and hurt that can arise in a long distance relationship. I’ve heard my tiny crazy voice throw a tantrum. It’s totally okay to experience these feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and give them a chance to be heard. However, they are NOT to be heard by your partner. They are to be shared between your pen and paper. My column offers specific “feeling letter” guidelines that will help you process your “tantrum” in a productive and healing way. A “breakup letter,” on the other hand, is a letter that solely expresses what you are grateful for: to him and to the time you’ve spent together. This is the letter you give to him and with it you say goodbye. You don’t expect anything in return. The process of writing the letter itself gives you the closure you desire.

Now that we’ve made this distinction, try writing a proper feeling letter. Really let yourself go wild! Sometimes after writing one of these bad boys you feel even more confirmed in your love than you did before. Feeling letters and breakup letters do not always go hand in hand. In fact, I owe a lot of my happiness and success in my relationships to the feeling letter. It allows me to process all my negative emotions so that I can live in the positive with my partner. If, after a good college try, you find yourself wanting to continue in this relationship, I suggest you open the communication door with an apology. None of this passive aggressive nonsense like “I’m sorry I can’t be happy in a one-sided relationship.” Or my favorite, “I’m sorry BUT…you should’ve been a better boyfriend.” Those aren’t real apologies. Step up your game. Say something like, “I’m sorry I sent you that letter. The feelings of insecurity are real and I needed to express and process them but I should not have put that on you. My actions were misguided. The most important thing is that I love you. I love being in a relationship with you and I hope that you can forgive me.” This should patch things up. Most men are very forgiving creatures. They are willing to overlook a whole dose of crazy just for the sake of love.

In terms of relationship maintenance, check out “Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating” for tips on how to feel fulfilled in your relationship when your man is not calling enough. No one said LDR’s were easy, but once in awhile they’re totally worth it! Good luck Dee!

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

Today, as we suspect you know, more couples than ever before cohabitate, at least for a brief time, prior to marriage. (For the purposes of the study, cohabitation is defined as a man and a woman, not married, living together, and having a sexual relationship.) It’s also important to know that the results of this study commissioned by the National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the US Department of Health and Human Services, were based on a nationally representative sample of 12,571 men and women aged 15–44 living in the United States.

The study revealed that cohabitation is not as harmful to a relationship or to a couple’s chances at a successful marriage as opponents of cohabitation have claimed in the past.

The study surveyed married couples who had been married ten or more years and found that the percentage of happily married couples who lived together before marriage was nearly equal to couples who did not.

For many years, starting in the 1960s, there has been an active debate about whether cohabitation before marriage was or was not a good idea. Just last year, a group of researchers at the University of Denver, leaning toward a more conservative approach toward marriage, found that couples who cohabit before they marry have a higher chance of getting divorced than those who don’t.

That study found, however, that reasons provided for cohabitation were an important factor in predicting the relationship’s success. Couples who, for instance, moved in together to “test the relationship” were most likely to break up, whereas couples who lived together to “spend a greater amount of time in the company of one another, or out of convenience of lifestyle, and or financial practicality, stood a better chance of lasting.

The new report, released February 2010, also found that married couples who lived together first had a higher chance of divorcing, but the difference was statistically small. Out of 13,000 couples surveyed, 61% of women and 63% of men married ten years or more had cohabited with their spouse before marriage, whereas 66% of women and 69% of men married ten years or more had not cohabited.

The study also found that couples who lived together without first deciding to marry had a higher chance of getting divorced if they later did marry than those who were first engaged or had a clear plan to marry before cohabiting. Factors such as age, education and ethnicity also affected whether cohabitation led to a successful marriage.

Obviously, there are no certain paths to marital success. But it is revealing how the attitudes of couples around the decision to first cohabitate and then marry, made a difference in the survival rates of various marriages. What the study also makes apparent is that the age when cohabitation was considered socially unacceptable is as outdated today as 8-track tape decks and black & white television sets. Acceptable social customs constantly change; love stories, whatever path they take, are eternal.

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments with their intimate partners is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and communicates her disapproval. Even though this is often not the message she wants to give.

A common example of this dynamic occurs when a man arrives late. Rather than saying directly, “I don’t like waiting for you when you are late,” or, “I was worried that something had happened to you.” She will instead ask a serious of rhetorical questions, such as: “How could you be so late?” or “What am I supposed to think when you’re late?” or “Don’t you think you could have called?”

Often when a woman is upset the tone of her voice reveals that she is not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for the offending behavior. At the same time, what a man hears in questions like, “Why didn’t you call?” is her admonishment of his action regardless of his reasons. Worse, he feels her intrusive desire to help him be a more responsible individual. He in turn becomes defensive, while she has no knowledge of how painful her disapproval is to him.

Here’s the key, as we suggested in yesterday’s column, “How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments,” just as women need validation, men need approval. And the more a man loves a woman, the more he needs her approval. When a woman withdraws her approval it is particularly painful to a man.

A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man’s behavior and still approve of who he is. In fact, one of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman’s good graces. At this time he is still her hero. Receiving her blessing has him riding high. Bt as he acts in ways that incur her disapproval and disappointment he falls from her grace.

When a man hears a woman’s disapproving tone it does not mitigate his behavior it only adds to his frustration and resentment. What a man fails to understand, as we discussed yesterday, is that while he is eager to justify and rationalize his offense, in this case being late, it is far better for him to take the time to listen to her issues and validate her feelings.

When a woman lists a number of rhetorical questions, rather than simply stating her direct issue, what a man’s competitive nature hears is a tone of superiority. That is only going to offend a male further and make him less likely to please when the same situation occurs at a later date.

Although it may go against her basic Venusian instinct, a woman should endeavor to state her direct concern or frustration, not in a way that admonishes or expresses disapproval, but merely to express the thought that when this situation occurs in the future, she has made clear her issues.

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This was the second of a two-part series about the anatomy of arguments. Both articles were based on themes from Chapter Nine of John’s mega bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapter entitled “How to Avoid Arguments,” provides a wealth of information on this subject. You can also read more on this topic here on Mars Venus Living by following these article links to “Eight Mistakes Men Make in a Fight,” and, “Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight.”

Here’s a common example: A man will often make light of a woman’s negative feelings. He will say something like, “Don’t worry about it.” Said to another man this phrase would seem friendly and reassuring. But said to an intimate female partner it is both insensitive and hurtful.

At other times a man might try to quell a woman’s sense of upset by saying, “It’s no big deal.” He follows that comment with what he sees as a variety of practical solutions. He anticipates that she will be happy and relieved by this “support.” He’s perplexed and frustrated when she feels invalidated, unsupported, and in fact, simply dismissed. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset.

A man than compounds his offense by explaining why she shouldn’t be upset. Unfortunately, he has no idea that his attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. In trying to explain himself, there is a good chance that the only message she will hear is that he simply does not care about her feelings.

In order for her to listen to his reasoning she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. At this point it is wise for him to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel the support she needs.

It’s essential for men to understand that this change in approach takes practice. When a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every instinct a man has is to react with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her feelings of upset. Women are unaware that it is not his intention to make matters worse. His attempt to rationalize and explain away her concerns is simply an outward sign of his Martian instinct.

Imagine this scenario taking place on Mars. Do you think one man would say to another, “I hear your concerns and I recognize how upsetting this experience has been for you.” That’s not going to happen. It’s far more likely that he’ll say, “It’s no big deal, don’t waste your time worrying about it.”

By understanding that his automatic Martian reaction when dealing with a Venusian is counterproductive, a man can, make this important shift. Through his awareness and experiences of what works in speaking with a woman, a man can make this change and avoid arguments that he previously started unknowingly.

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This is the first of a two-part series about the anatomy of arguments. Tomorrow we will present part two, “How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments.” Both of these articles are based on themes from Chapter Nine of John’s mega bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapter entitled “How to Avoid Arguments,” provides a wealth of information on this subject. You can also read more here on Mars Venus Living by following these article links to “Eight Mistakes Men Make in a Fight,” and, “Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight.”

In fact above aerobics, and above strength training, healthy bodies depend on having a full and regular program of stretching. Arguably, stretching our muscles for our grandparents and all the generations that came before them was not nearly so essential. In an agrarian society where people ate what they planted and raised up from the soil; bending, stretching, and lifting was a part of everyday life six or more days a week. Later when millions migrated from farms into urban areas stretching was still a part of life because manual labor had not yet been replaced by machines. Even office workers who spent a good part of their day at a desk had to regularly rise up and go to a file cabinet. Now you click a button on your computer and that file comes to you. When you reached home, you got out of the car, bent down and pulled up the garage door. And after dinner you sat down to watch TV, but got up again and again to change the channel and adjust the sound.

Today we’ve done away with all that as well. Stretching is largely a thing of the past. Here are four important benefits that we don’t get when we don’t stretch…

First, stretching is important to circulation. It’s true, the simple act of stretching increases the blood flow to our muscles. Best of all, improved circulation can speed recovery after muscle injuries so if we have overdone at the gym, the well stretched body is far more likely to recover quickly than the one that lacks stretched and toned muscles.

Second, stretching relaxes tense muscles that often accompany stress. Few of us realize that during a tense day, our muscles respond by constricting. Stretching reverses this damage and in so doing helps to send tension back out of our bodies.

Third, stretching creates flexible muscles that can improve your daily performance in a variety of ways. Take the example of performing simple tasks such as lifting packages, bending to tie your shoes or hurrying to catch a bus, all of these become easier and less tiring for the individual whose muscles are ready to respond when a degree of exertion is needed. So many of us find ourselves losing the ability to perform relatively simple physical tasks because our muscles are not well stretched, and not ready to perform.

Fourth, stretching greatly improves your range of motion and that helps to support healthy joints. Good range of motion keeps you in balance, which will help keep you mobile and far less prone to falls, not to mention related injuries, which occur with greater frequency as we age.

The bottom line, is that stretching creates relaxed and ready muscles. And that can make an amazing difference in our overall level of fitness. For one simple and fun way to increase your flexibility check out John’s Bounce and Shake Method.