While growing up, Sonia* was “the good kid.”The eldest of five motherless siblings, the role of junior mom was thrust upon her at a very young age. “I’ve changed diapers on every single one of my brothers,” she laughs. “They’ve got no secrets from me.”
By doing so, Sonia missed out on some of the more carefree experiences enjoyed by other girls her age. “Sometimes I wished I had hung with my friends instead of a bunch of little boys,” she says wistfully.
Now thirty-five, Sonia not only cares for her own large brood of four, but she is often cajoled into watching her brothers? children, and she frequently hosts her husband Frank’s grown children from a previous marriage. “Everyone is so needy,” she sighs. “Frank would rather let the dishes pile up in the sink than get his hands wet. The kids have to be carpooled to school then to little league and ballet. The boys and their wives are always in dire straits for a babysitter, and Frank’s kids visit us from out of town at least once a month. I do all this, yet I’ve never had one offer of help! I guess I just don’t know how to say “no.” ”
She’s right about that. And it’s time she learned how.
But this won’t be easy. She will have to undo years of emotional conditioning that began with her desire to help and please her father.
What motivates a woman to do too much for others? It starts when the woman thinks that there is no one else there to pick up the pieces.
At a young age, Sonia developed a resilience she never knew she had. Then, as others realize they can rely on her, they also take advantage of her. Soon she is stressed out from this excessive responsibility, but she has no where to turn.
In taking all this onto herself, Sonia was deprived of some very necessary emotional growth stages. She was never allowed the time to just be a kid, or to have kid-size responsibilities. As she got older, instead of taking time for fun and self-discovery, she moved into a relationship where once again she was a caregiver to both her husband and his ready-made family.
By the time her own children came into the picture, she was entrenched in a role that she might not have experienced until her late twenties or early thirties.
Somewhere along the line, Sonia convinced herself that she was not worthy of these desires. Instead, she took on the role of victim.
But you cannot be a victim of the circumstances you’ve created.
To break this perception, both in her mind and that of her husband and family, she must first learn to say “no.”
Her first step in doing so is to recognize the fact that she is indeed giving too much. Once she admits this to herself, she can alleviate any guilt by allowing herself to say no to others. This can be done without anger or worry that she will hurt someone’s feelings.
She can simply say, “I’m sorry. That does not fit into my plans for today.”
Sonia wonders, “Will saying no mean that I am no longer a “nice person?”
Of course not. Many “nice people” deny their own needs to support others.
Sonia’s final step is to trust her husband and the others around her to step up to the plate — and to trust that the others will come through with flying colors. Of course, her husband should be the first to offer his support — and he shouldn’t wait for an invitation from her to do this. If he does, she needs to make her stance clear: “Honey, I’d like to help, but I’ve got my hands full. Perhaps you can do it yourself. And, by the way, I’d appreciate it if you could help me, too, with (name the chore) — “.
She may not have done this in the past, but, it’s never too late to start.
THREE WAYS TO SAY “NO”…
#1. “Sweetheart, will you be a doll and …” There’s truth in that old saying — you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So go ahead and sweeten up your request, with a kiss and a thank you.
#2. “Honey, I need you to —-” Men love taking direction, so don’t be shy to once in awhile be the boss.
#3. “Here’s what’s on my agenda today. So you’ll have to add this to YOUR list…” Yes, you are a busy person. And it never hurts to remind others of that fact!
BOTTOM LINE: Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those who love and respect you.
*Not her real name.
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Hello,
I am writing from Mongolia. Sonia’s story sounds very similar to mine no matter where I live. Lately, I have been exhausted of my situation and started to isolate myself from everything. Right now, I am doing lots of readings and through the Secret book I found John Gray’s website. Since then, I am reading lots of things and finding them useful. However, how to implement these things. Things don’t change that fast.
Any advise,
Ariun from Mongolia
I liked the article, but I am wondering about the last advices on how to implement saying NO. I agree with the first one. But:
#2. “Honey, I need you to —-” Men love taking direction, so be the boss.
What ever happened to simply requesting, “Honey, would you do –”
#3. “Here’s what’s on my agenda today. So you’ll have to add this to YOUR list…” Yes, you are a busy person. And yes, guilt trips work!
And guilt trips works? Do they really?? I have the feeling Dr. Gray did not write this article.
For Ariun, I think the key is to be patient with yourself. Some old habits may take some time to change, but just simply start somewhere. Since you have found this web-site I think you are already on your way for a better life. Just like many of these ideas have changed my life, I am sure they will change yours for the better also! Wish you the best!
Dear Mikko,
Wow, thanks for your thoughts. It is so nice to hear from you. Yes, I wanted a change for better for sure. I was doing lots of researchers and readings. I always thought that we ourselves can make some changes but needed some good, honest and knowledgeable information from someone like Dr. Gray and it is very helpful.
I found his web through book called Secret. I feel uncomfortable talking such things with people specially in small place like here, so sharing my thoughts with someone I don’t know and understanding is better. Thanks Mikko again for your kind message!
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