Message From Mars: Out of Work Martians and Testosterone

April 23, 2009

There are times when men have to work through their own issues.

In many press interviews I have done over the last several months, as an increasing number of people are finding themselves out of a job, I am asked what impact job loss is having on married couples.

Losing your job is tough no matter what your gender. To a man, however, job loss can be particularly devastating, and this is true for many reasons but the most basic reason is a man’s production of testosterone.

For most men, a job is a place where they can solve problems. Whether as a police officer, a salesman, a medical technician, or a bus driver, each day presents various issues (problems) that need to be worked through. That very process of confronting and resolving issues raises a male’s testosterone production and testosterone is essential to a man’s ability to reduce stress and to feel good about himself. Take away the job and that focus and gratification go away as well.

Whenever a man feels threatened and unsure of his place in the world, the more irritable and hostile his manner is likely to become. No longer is he getting that expected release of testosterone and without that his whole world seems to be thrown out of balance. As his mate, simply expressing your concern to him about the loss of his job can be heard as an expression of distrust.

At a time like this men instinctively will retreat to their caves, and that cave can be found in many different places. It could be staying in his bedroom, or in the den parked in front of the TV. His place to retreat might be a nearby park, a coffee shop, or the backyard garden. The point being that he is likely to go to someplace where he feels that he can work through this crisis and come up with a solution.

A soul mate can unknowingly alienate their guy by suggesting something as simple as “Did you go online today to see if there are any new job listings?” Because when a man is down on himself, that’s when he is at his most defensive. During this time, whether you realize it or not, everything you suggest sounds to him like a statement of mistrust. It is so helpful as this moment not to be resistant or resentful of his need to retreat and resolve his own issues.

So what can a partner do to help a male mired in the uncertainty of unemployment? Here’s your best approach: Rather than asking how you can help him, which only increases his loss of self-worth, ask him to help you.

For example, recruit him in helping you out with the many items around the house that have been neglected for too long. He may seem reluctant at first, but in truth he wants and needs to get involved. Also, don’t forget romance. Find ways that would make you happy romantically, sure money is tight but a picnic by a lake on a beautiful day is not an expensive outing, nor is a concert at the church or at the park. Ask him to plan some special dates for the two of you to enjoy.

Let him help in solving a variety of issues. Men thrive on the opportunity to get something done. Connecting up the new computer or fixing the broken latch on the back gate, gives him a chance to accomplish something and as he does his testosterone level will rise again and that man you have loved for so long will reinvent himself and that heavy burden of job loss that he has been carrying around with him will get noticeably lighter by the day.

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Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

“My husband is out of work and depressesd about it…”

“What’s a Mother to Do?”

“Nanny or Not?”

It’s Not What You Ask, but How You Ask It

“My husband takes too many trips…”

“Right guy, wrong time. Now what?”

Have a question for John, or a comment MarsVenusLiving? Send it to Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com

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Posted in John Says, Message from Mars