No is a hard word to say to a child.
We are born with the skill to negotiate. In our first weeks it may just be as simple as a howl to signal that we are hungry or uncomfortable. But within a few months we begin to set out much more elaborate messages, from smiles, coos and laughs, to scowls, cries and grimaces the human mind quickly adapts to the simple fact that what we want is achieved through various forms of negotiation and manipulation. This of course makes perfectly good sense since humans, like other primates, are wholly dependent on their parents for a long time after birth.
In reality, it is the parent that must improve their communication skills, small children are generally more persistent and successful negotiators than any adult you’re likely to encounter.
Before long, certainly by the age of two, and in most cases earlier than that, parents have to learn to say no, and to mean “NO!”
When children negotiate for what they want, parents must set clear limits for how long the negotiation lasts. A parent only has only so much time, patience, or inclination to continue negotiating. Ideally your goal is to end the negotiation before your patience is exhausted and your frustration, read temper, is ignited.
You may think that “negotiation” is a big word for a small child to hear, but we suggest that you use it early and often. Since small children are masters of the art of negotiation, it can’t hurt for them to know the word as well.
When you feel that you have heard enough and you are not willing to change your position, it is time to say, “I understand that you are disappointed, but now this negotiation is over.” If the child persists beyond this point the parent should repeat the phrase and then add the command to stop. Be very clear in your point. “This negotiation is over. I want you to stop asking me now.”
If the child continues, he or she is out of control and needs to take a time out. After this process occurs a few times, the child will learn to become respectful of your request to end the negotiation. Remember always, that when a parent shifts to command mode, and repeats a command, no must mean no.
Don’t fall into the trap of giving lots of reasons for your refusal, to the child this is an extension of the negotiation and sends a mixed message that no, might not really mean no. Your best answer is given with confidence and brevity.
You are not seeking to curtail your child’s gift of negotiating by being firm, rather you are setting limits to that negotiation. Their request might well be one that you are happy to agree to provided that it comes at the right time. “I want to go outside and play,” maybe perfectly fine, if “you first finish your lunch.”
Further, by giving a clear “no” message, children learn how to say no in their lives as well. Never be upset with your child for asking for more. When parents clearly remember that they are not required to say yes, they can say no without feeling guilty. Parents who can comfortably and confidently say no provide a role model for their children to follow into their teen years and beyond.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage
Better Parent-Teen Communication
Infant Language Development: The Gift of Words
5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting
Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts
Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know
Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions
Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences
The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting
Parents, Beware of the Feelings Trap
Dating Violence: Is Your Teen Safe?
Is Your Teen Really Ready for College?
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
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