Yes, he's running away. Here's why.
Dear John, My husband is on the road five days a week. He leaves the house every week on Monday and comes back on Friday. While he has always made his living selling, all this traveling has only come about in the last few years. The problem is that the money he makes on the road is no greater than the income he could make working near home. I don’t know how to bring this up to him, but I feel that he doesn’t want to be around me anymore and honestly that has hurt me very deeply. What should I say so he understands my concerns?
—Always Alone, in Spokane, Washington
Dear Always Alone,
Your intuition — that he doesn’t want to be around you — is probably correct. But your interpretation for his reasons to be away, I suspect ,is wrong.
It’s understandable that you are taking his weekly road trips personally: right now, you feel that his need to leave is really a desire to get away from you. Unfortunately you don’t understand what message you are putting out to him, and why it reinforces his actions.
There is a very good chance that when he is home he feels that he is confronting some issue that he is confounded by. On the road, away from that issue, he is energized. All of his decisions are his. No one is pointing out his mistakes. He doesn’t have to please anyone else.
If you want him back in the relationship, don’t presume he’s away because he doesn’t’ love you. The way to change this situation is not by changing him, but changing yourself.
When he is with you, start looking at the way in which you unknowingly withhold your approval unless he behaves in a certain way. Instead, start giving him messages of encouragement and approval. There’s a good chance that, right now, you’re doing just the opposite — which is why he’d rather be somewhere else.
When he is gone for five days, and home for two, you’re very disappointed with that amount of time. He thinks he’s working hard to be a good provider and when you show disappointment with him, he becomes uncertain as to how he can please you.
Some of this can be resolved by open and honest communication. But I suspect you’re both not engaging in that right now. So this communication gap between you is growing into a chasm that can endanger your entire marriage. That said, try this approach:
When he arrives home this Friday night, greet him warmly, and have his favorite dinner waiting. Talk about his week – but only if he wants to do that. Be supportive and affectionate. And over the weekend you share together, don’t make him feel that he needs to spend all his time with you because he’s been gone, but rather encourage him to get together with his buddies, be it for a round of golf, fishing, or whatever: he likes to do including his having some cave time to just be on his own.
By doing this, the message you are sending is: “I love and admire you. I want us to share our lives together at the same time I want you to enjoy your life too, both when you are with me and when we are apart.”
There’s a good chance you’ve got a guy here who thinks he simply cannot live up to your expectations and therefore he’s hiding out in his cave — even if that means his cave is 300 miles away. By showing him love and support and the freedom that he wants, in a few short weeks he’ll cut those trips from five days, to four, and then to three, or less. Why? Because you gave him the space to make that decision on his own.
I think you’ll be pleased with the results.
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Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #13:
Start the Day with a Random Act of Passion
Passion doesn’t always mean sex. Sometimes it’s just a way of showing your loved one that you appreciate their attractiveness or sensuality. That said, consider starting the morning of February 14th with some act that honors that facet. Here’s one idea: draw a bath. Use scented bath salts. Put out thick towels and a robe. Your partner will feel your love in more ways than one
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