An open door is the best medicine for an angry teen.
Dear John, I have been married for almost nine years. When I met my husband, I had a daughter from a previous relationship. He adored her at first, but since then we’ve had two more girls, who today are eight and six. Through the years, my daughter started to feel as though she was less special, and didn’t get fair treatment. She is fifteen now and is going through many of the upheavals that most teenagers experience. Things are getting so bad that my husband has threatened to tell her to leave. I feel like I’m being torn between my husband and my daughter. She claims that he frequently says things deliberately to hurt her feelings and never has anything positive to say to her. And in his defense, she is a very rebellious teenager. Where do my obligations belong, to my husband, or to my daughter?
Mom in the Middle in Madison, WI
Dear Mom in the Middle Your obligations belong to both. Here’s why.
This conflict is arising because your husband needs to know that you are hearing his point of view and you appreciate what he’s doing on an ongoing basis to provide for your shared family. I suspect that he feels that he has given your daughter a lot and hasn’t gotten much in return. I have little doubt that this has led him to having his own case of resentment flu.
On the other side of this equation, your daughter is resentful because she didn’t get to choose the man who became her new dad, and she sees no reason for him to be in her life at all. In the center of this storm is where you find yourself. As a loving mom, and a loving wife, of course, you are conflicted.
Your daughter naturally wants you to be happy. Make certain in a variety of ways that she sees her step dad making you happy. Otherwise she won’t see that there is a purpose in the life you have chosen. Whether she shows it or not, what makes you happy makes her happy too. In addition, create opportunities for the two of you to have activities and most importantly conversations together. Don’t be impatient. There inevitably will be times that she is non-communicative. Just consistently let her know that your ears, your heart, and your door are always open to her. In time she will step through that door.
When she does, she is going to vent about her problems, but whatever those problems are, even if they are mostly about your husband, do your best to listen and empathize. Then ask her, “What else?” Eventually she will open up about all of her issues, and when she does, she will see that all her problems are not just about him.
As for your husband, he may well be saying and doing things that aren’t perfect, as a parent he has a lot of company in doing that. I’m going to venture a guess that when your daughter complains about her step dad, you have a tendency to defend him, and point out all that he does for her. Instead, try saying this, “I understand he isn’t your father, and you aren’t getting what you need form him. But I need him and this family needs him as well.”
If she’s rebelling against his authority, don’t demand that she submit to his authority, but make it clear that at 15, she must follow your authority. You are responsible for her safety, and her well being at this age. Before doing this discuss your plan of action with your husband. In many ways teenagers at times are like passing storms, sidestepping their angst is often wiser than stepping directly in their path. Much of what teenagers want to know, when you peel away their anger and frustration, is simply that they can be heard and that they are special to you.
Remind your husband that in a few short years, the two daughters you had together will be entering their teenage years. And this bumpy ride will start all over again. So practicing patience now will help prepare you for future storms to come.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage
Children and Their Emotional Temperments
5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting
Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts
Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know
Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions
Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences
The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting
Parents, Beware of the Feelings Trap
Dating Violence: Is Your Teen Safe?
Is Your Teen Really Ready for College?
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
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