Breakups happen. Here's how to heal your pain.
Dear John: My partner left me after ten years. That happened almost 5 months ago. I do not hate him for leaving. In fact, I still love him. I am disappointed he thought ending it was the only option, and though I was initially devastated, and in a sense I still am, there is no anger, and no hate. We both care for each other. That is the hardest part to come to terms with: the fact that it is truly over.
I know he has moved, and he is dating. I, however, am not ready for that. I’m still hopeful that we can be together one day. Is that possible?
–Hoping to Start Anew, in Philadelphia, PA
Dear Starting Anew,
It would help if I knew if you had read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and let me tell you why. Over the years I’ve met a countless number of people, who had broken up and started to date again because knowledge they gained by reading the book helped them to see that problems they had in their relationship had much more to do with miscommunication than a lack of interest or attraction for each other. Obviously that’s not true in every case, but thousands of times the book helped to break that communication barrier that allowed for one misunderstanding after another, and got two people talking again.
To create hope for the future its important for you to see how you may have unknowingly done things that you may have unintentionally driven a wedge between the two of you. In truth, most men and women think long before they leave a relationship, particularly one that had a long and happy history.
Unknowingly, as an example, you may have given him signals that he was not successful in meeting your needs. When you do reach out to him, if you can give him the signal that you have changed, that may give him hope that you can reconnect and indeed there is good reason to give the relationship a second chance. Of course it takes two to start, and two to end a relationship, but just for this exercise in bridging the gap between you, try to focus on your issues, and not his.
Give him some sections of the book to read that resonated with you and about what changes you have made since reading it. He may see a new you in what you have to say and that may spark hope for a renewed relationship.
Anytime that couples experience new hope through new information it tells them that their love has a chance to grow anew. Let him know that you are doing this in your life so that through your Mars/Venus relationship work you’re hoping to improve your relationship skills regardless of whether you do re-start your romance or not.
Finally, and most importantly, remember that your ability to love and be loved, and to express that love in a way a man can hear and understand you, is the essential task you are hoping to achieve. If you reignite this old flame, great, but if you don’t, improved relationship skills will serve you well in finding, and keeping, the loving relationship that you deserve.
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
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Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
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