John Gray Q&A: It’s Not What You Want, But How You Ask

Set the example by asking for what you want the right way.

Dear John, I am looking for some advice. My husband has OCD. This makes him very controlling. Unfortunately, it also leads to mixed messages for our children. Needless to say, there are alienation issues, too. Of course, I’m concerned that our children will inherit OCD, and that would break my heart. Is there anything I can do? –Worried Wife, in Seattle, WA

Dear Worried Wife, First things first: If your children aren’t showing signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder now, you may not have anything to worry about. This is something that can be tested, and their teachers or school counselors will have insights that will alleviate your fears.

In regard to your communication issues with your husband: be it his OCD or anything else, the bottom line is that his behavior is not satisfactory to you. There will always be things about him you cannot change. However, you can set a goal of asking him to support you, in specific situations.  Here’s how:

1. Do so without blame. Otherwise you put him on the defensive. Keep your tone neutral.

2. Use the least number of words. Don’t back up your request with a list of why his present behavior doesn’t work.

For example, if you want your partner to pass the salt, don’t say things like “you never pass me the salt. Without it, my food doesn’t taste good. Can you at least pass the salt?”  sure, these phrases  legitimize your request – but they also sabotage your communication.

3. Instead give him an alternative. This will work: “It would make me very happy if you did it this way…” or “When you talk to the kids about this, would you tell them this way…”

4. Back it up with “Please….” and “I would like that very much.”

5. Don’t just talk. Listen, too. Your partner may get defensive.  Listen to his resistance, but without a big arguement.  Instead say:  “What you’re saying makes sense.  I can understand your point of view. But if you do it this way, It would make me feel better.”

My wife, Bonnie doesn’t like it when I drive fast. To remind me to stop, she never has to say, “You’re not a safe driver, you can get a ticket, you’re driving too fast.”  All she has to do is ask: “Honey will you slow down? I’m starting to feel uncomfotabale.”

I listen, because I love her.

And he’ll listen to you, too.

Asking to get what you want, via this nonjudgemental approach, is the best way to invite change.

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Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

“My husband is out of work and depressesd about it…”

“What’s a Mother to Do?”

“Nanny or Not?”

“My husband takes too many trips…”

“Right guy, wrong time. Now what?”

Have a question for John, or a comment MarsVenusLiving? Send it to Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com

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