Dear John, My husband and I have been married a little less than six months. Both of us are in our mid-thirties and both of us have children from previous marriages. We get along great, except for the fact that my husband is critical of my son. However, if I say one thing about either of his two kids, he gets angry and defensive. The basic unfairness of this hurts really me. I know my son has his share of issues, what teen doesn’t? But, to be clear, he’s certainly no monster! At the same time, my new husband’s children are by no means perfect angels. I feel very hurt about this. Lately we’ve avoided talking about this issue altogether. John, what should I do? Zoe, in Henderson, Nevada
Dear Zoe, First you should know that this is a common complication for couples who are attempting to adjust their lives to a newly expanded family. Second, because this issue is such a hot spot for the two of you, save it for a calm, private moment when you feel that he’ll be receptive to discussing it fully, openly and honestly.
Both of you have the right to be protective of your children, but neither of you should fall into the all too common trap of making parenting a popularity contest.
Objectively, sit down together and create an expectation list for your children. Obviously, if there are differences in their ages, what you should expect from each of them will vary. However, certain criteria should be similar. For example, respect should be an item that is encouraged for and from everyone in your family, child and adult alike. You’re more likely to have success during this period of collaboration if you keep your words, tone and manner constructive. This is the surest way to relieve any sensitivity when issues arise. Parenting a blended family won’t be easy, but the more closely you work together and the more open you are in sharing your frustrations, the better chance you will have of keeping a happy home and a loving marriage. All my best, John
