Written on July 1, 2009 at 1:01 am by —MVL Editorial Staff

Q&A: Disciplining Step-Children

Filed under John Says, Parenting, Q&A no comments

Step-parents can discpline, too— with the birth parent's approval.

Dear John, My wife and I have a daughter together, and my wife has a son from her first marriage who lives with his father. On weekends when my stepson visits, the two children often fight. Whenever I try to discipline him, he yells, “You’re not my daddy!” Then he goes home and tells his father that I was mean to him. Needless to say, this is causing a lot of friction between our two families. How should we deal with this? —The Step Dad, in Sunnyvale, CA

Dear Step Dad,

No matter where a child may be, his primary disciplinarian is also his primary caregiver. In this case, that would be either your wife or her ex-husband.

This does not mean that stepparents have any less of a role in determining house rules or disciplinary measures, or for initiating discipline when needed. It means that all adults involved must communicate with each other on issues, and they must also communicate with the child that they support each others’ decisions made on the child’s behalf.

To start this process, first sit down with your wife and discuss any and all house rules and disciplinary measures you may want to implement. Write down specific concerns and the agreed-upon solutions. Of course, any and all discipline should apply to all children in the household, not just your stepson, and the punishment should fit the crime. (I advocate graduated time-outs, one minute per year of age, meaning a ten-year old has a ten-minute time out. This allows the child to cool down, reconsider his actions, and encourages him to make a positive change.

Once your house rules have been established, arrange a meeting between you, his biological father, and your wife to discuss them. Ask that his father explain the rules to his son, and communicate to the boy that he supports them. By making his dad a part of the process, he will hopefully become part of the solution.

—John

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