Dear John, I am a 51 year-old woman, with no children, who has been divorced for many years. Until this summer, I had not been in a dating relationship for a long time. “Frank” is a good person with solid values. He is 59 and divorced, with three grown children.
Here is my problem: I found Frank very hard to draw out. When he talks about things he enjoys, he usually adds that he never gets around to doing these things. This made him somewhat uninteresting to me. I think he sensed this, and he stopped calling. I was relieved then, but at the same time, I felt sorry that the relationship did not grow and move forward.
Two months after our last date, I ran into Frank. It was apparent that he was still interested in a relationship with me. Several weeks later, he called and invited me to Thanksgiving with his family. I thought that was quite bold of him. I in turn invited him to a holiday party in early December, and he invited me to a lighted boat parade party at his sailing club.
We’ll see where all this leads but I must admit I am confused! I know Frank is looking for someone, as I am. But the relationship doesn’t seem to be going to a higher level. I want to be more than just a date for special occasions. But I don’t know what to say to him to create some real intimacy. We haven’t had sex yet, and that is probably a good thing. What should I do next? —Wanting More in Newport Beach, CA
Dear Wanting More, Congratulate yourself on a healthy start toward initiating a fulfilling relationship. But recognize that Frank is just one path that is available to you. Whether you recognize it now or not, you probably have many options open to you in the dating arena, so don’t limit yourself solely to Frank. Expand your horizons. Be open to dating several men who interest to you.
When we feel we have only one option, we sometimes misinterpret the actions of others, or make the wrong long-term decisions. As it is, you are putting too much energy into figuring out the “meaning” behind Frank’s gestures. You might be right that to Frank you’re simply a date for family and social functions.
From what you have described it probably is a good thing that you have not been intimate because that could have confused the issue for you even further. In my book Mars and Venus Starting Over, I suggest that it is wise to date around and not sleep around specifically to avoid this level of additional complication.
Keep in mind that even though you have both known each other now for several months, in many ways he is just getting to know you. In return, you are just getting to know him, so enjoy the process—with Frank, and any one else who catches your fancy. By widening your dating options, you’ll find that the small details won’t get the time that they don’t deserve.
