John Gray Q & A: My Husband Gives Me the Silent Treatment

August 20, 2009

frustrated-woman Dear John, Every time I am honest with my husband and state my feelings about a problem, my spouse pouts and “punishes” me. This always causes me to retreat in silence. I think, “What’s the use? I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” Is there a better way to get him to hear me without facing this awful result? Carol Reese, Newport Beach, CA

Dear Carol,

You have every right to state your feelings and it’s always important for your own happiness and well being that you do so. But, in order to get your husband to respond with empathy or to take positive action, you must express your concerns in a way that does not make him feel as if he is to blame, or that he has to “fix” the problem for you.

To you it might seem strange that he would think of taking the blame or want to fix your problem, but remember that on his planet, Mars, the reason you share feelings, men would call them concerns, is to reach for a solution or assign responsibility. As I have said many times in the past, women will express feelings out loud as a way of processing issues. Men, as a general rule, simply do not do this. So here is a new way to approach him:

“Darling, I want to share my concern with you about something, and, by just listening to me say it out loud, perhaps you’ll help me work through it.” Then, tell him what is bothering you in one simple statement. Next, tell him why this issue makes you angry, frightened, frustrated, or sad. Finally, close the conversation by saying, “I know that hearing this may make you feel uncomfortable. But please know that I am not blaming you for this problem. I know you love me, and I just needed to have you hear what I am going through. Thank you for listening.”

In this scenario, he can hear your concerns without feeling as if he is to blame for them, or that he has to come up with a solution for you. And, if the issue concerns his behavior, he will have heard you, and you will have planted the seed for him to adjust his behavior in the future.

When hearing a wife’s concerns, men all but instinctively are ready to go on the defensive. So remember that when and if you feel it is not necessary to soften your words with the above, suggested preamble. Your bottom line is to get him to listen and to hear you. This new approach can make the crucial difference in reaching the conclusion that you’re hoping to find.

—John Gray

Have a question for John? Email him at Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com

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