John Gray Q&A: “What’s a Mother to Do?”

February 20, 2009

Future Mother-in-Laws: It doesn't take much to find fault with the fiancée.

Dear John, My son, who is 27 and lives on his own, has been very angry with me since I told him that I don’t think he should ask the girl that he has been dating to marry him. I don’t think that I am a meddlesome mother, but with regards to his future wife,  I just could not stay silent. When I first met her I thought she was nice, but as I have gotten to know her it has become clear that she is negative and argumentative. She complains to my son that she doesn’t like his family, or his friends. Through all this he stands by her. My son and I have always had a loving relationship. Any idea what I can do to get our relationship back on track? —Concerned Mom in Memphis, TN

Dear Concerned Mom,

I know that you don’t want to meddle in the life of your son, but unfortunately that is exactly what you are doing. Take a step back with me and together let’s look at the big picture.

Chances are the most negative things that you know about your son’s fiancée come from the comments made by your son—which is I always counsel men and women to hold back from sharing details of their relationship with family members.

Why? It’s simple: too often we all fall into the bad habit of venting to a sibling or a parent about some particular issue, or argument with our significant other that irked us–

And now we’re taking that argument out of the house, and into the home of the family.

This is obvious by your comment: “She complains to my son that she doesn’t like his family, or his friends.”

In other words, during a moment of frustration in his relationship with his girlfriend he shared that piece of information with you.

Understandably that can alter and negatively impact your impression of this woman. It makes you suspicious of other things she may say. It’s easy now for her to say one thing and for you to hear something else. His comments have had the effect of toning down the volume on her good qualities and raising the volume on whatever negative aspects there are to her personality.

The bottom line, your son is 27 and he is old enough to make up his own mind about what women he has a relationship with, serious or otherwise. There is a very good chance that he does not share with you the positive things that she says or does, regarding you, him, or the rest of their world.

Here’s what you should do now: clean the slate and try as best as you can to start anew. Place his comments back in the context in which they were made and try to start over again. After all, if this is the woman who is to be your future daughter-in-law, and perhaps the mother of your grandchildren, you want to do your level best to have a happy and healthy relationship with her. As for your son, this is his life, and his partner. He should do what he thinks is right for him.

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Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

“My husband is out of work and depressesd about it…”

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“Right guy, wrong time. Now what?”

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Posted in John Says, Q&A