The nosy mom-in-law. Make peace.
Dear John, I’ve got the classic nosy mother-in-law. She’s into everything from our household budget to our choice of preschool for the twins. She even eavesdrops on my phone calls!
My husband’s a sweet guy and can’t bring himself to tell his mom to back off. I’m worried that one-day I’m going to blow and that will get everyone upset. I don’t think she’s a bad person I just want her to get her own life and stop living ours. Any thoughts on what I should do now?
—Had Enough, in Sandy Springs, Georgia
Dear Had Enough,
Sometimes being direct and sharing your feelings while setting boundaries can work, but at other times it can create lasting wounds. I respect your hesitation particularly since your husband is “a nice guy,” who probably puts a high value of family harmony.
Recognize that if you do nothing about the situation your major concern is your anger. How you respond to her tendency to overstep boundaries is something you have control over.
That said, once or twice a month, sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Make it very clear to him that you just want to talk about your feelings regarding this situation. Emphasize the fact that he doesn’t have to fix, or change the situation. He doesn’t have to do anything. Having said that add, “I don’t want to feel alone regarding this issue. All you have to do is listen.”
I call this Venus talk: When a man listens and a woman shares her feelings.
He should not correct, argue, or suggest, his only job is to listen. The concerns that you express will make an impression on him and eventually he will help you set boundaries. Don’t forget that you’ve been holding much of this in, and for him this could truly be new information. You cannot assume otherwise. His mother overstepping boundaries is probably something he has learned to adjust to over the years. There’s a good chance that he tunes her out and doesn’t pay much if any attention when she acts the same way in her relationship with you.
Regarding her wanting to give input, recognize that she is who she is and most likely she simply wants to have some degree of input in your life. That said consider creating one area that she is invited to give input.
For example, she can seek out five different schools for you and your husband to consider. She can gather information and even make a site visit if she wishes. When and if she makes one particular choice or suggestion, you may or may not agree. Remind her if she is surprised that you did not go with her choice that she was invited to gather information and give input, the final choice is rightly reserved for you and your husband to make.
Ultimately remember that your job is not to please her, but to treat her with respect. Not honoring some, or any of her wishes is not being disrespectful. Don’t’ try to please her for the sake of pleasing her. Continue to communicate with your husband about her interference in your daily lives if indeed it is that. This is your family, and your children, her thoughts and ideas are always welcome and that’s where her role should end.
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Valentine’s Day Countdown Tip #14:
Kisses and Hugs
Even if you and your beloved aren’t normally demonstrative with your love (as in touching, holding hands, kissing and hugging) make February 14th the day in which you both go out of the way to do so. Nothing puts you in the mood for romance faster, which is why touching is a precursor to lovemaking. The more romantic you feel, the happier you’ll be, both as an individual and as a couple. So go ahead and S.W.A.K.
