John Gray Q&A: Wedding Bell Blues

May 7, 2009

Can you force the issue?

Dear John, I am in a 12-year live-in relationship. I love “Eric,” but I question his love based on his lack of a commitment to marry me. Eric has always said, “I’ll live with you forever, I just don’t want to get married.” I talked myself into believing that that “piece of paper” didn’t mean much to me, but in reality, it does. What will happen if I insist on marriage? If he feels he is forced into formalizing our commitment, I know there will be repercussions. If we marry and we argue, I know that Eric will say, “See? If we hadn’t gotten married we wouldn’t be fighting.” Overall, the past twelve years have been fine, but I’m 37 now and I want more security in every area of our relationship. What should I do? I don’t want to just throw away 12 years of my life. Please help! —Waiting for a Ring in Raleigh

Dear Waiting, Your apprehensions are probably correct. But men generally don’t respond well to ultimatums.

There is another approach you might want to try, but first you must be honest with yourself: Is finding a life partner who is willing to get married important enough to you that you’re prepared to leave this relationship?

If the answer is yes, then you should let him know this-but not in a demanding way.

For example, you could say, “I am starting to have doubts as to whether this is the right relationship for me. In my heart, I really do want to be married, and you’ve always told me that you don’t want to get married. Over the years, I’ve told myself that this is okay, but another part of me is really looking for the security that comes with that ring and with that commitment. The last thing I want to do is to ever tell you what to do. I wouldn’t want to control you in any way. But I need you to understand that I am beginning to doubt that this is the right relationship for me. If you notice me pulling away a bit, know that I am working through these feelings. It’s not that I love you any less it’s simply that I need something more.”

Using this approach frees him to consider the seriousness of your needs without feeling that he is being controlled by you. If he doesn’t surprise you with a ring, within a month, repeat the same conversation. Obviously, you need to take my words and put them in a context that you are comfortable with.

Be prepared for the real possibility that you may not get the response you’re hoping for. And after two tries and a couple of months, you may want to suggest that both of you take a temporary separation. Then, follow through. Remember, this approach is designed to assist you in your ultimate goal, which you’ve stated is marriage. It also frees him to recognize how important that commitment is to you.

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Read Another John Gray Q&A here…

“Desperate Househusband”

“It’s Not What You Want, But How You Ask”

“My husband is out of work and depressesd about it…”

“I’m a Mom in the Middle…”

“Can a Broken Relationship Be Mended?”

“What’s a Mother to Do?”

“My husband takes too many trips…”

“Right guy, wrong time. Now what?”

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