Dear John, My husband says that I am a great mother to our three girls, but I am not “a perfect wife.” I want to know what in your opinion is a perfect wife? I’m at the point where I have no idea. We have gone to couples counseling at our local church, and we both thought that it did some real good. In his words, however, I’m still not the perfect wife. Any thoughts as to what I should do next. —Imperfectly His, in St. Joseph, MO
Dear Imperfectly His,
There is no such thing as a perfect wife, or a perfect husband. After all, no one is perfect in this world so what he is seeking has no realistic definition.
We can however, realize that our partners are doing the best they can, and we can appreciate them faithfully for that effort. When he says you are not perfect, what he really means is that he is not satisfied in your relationship together.
I suspect, that in truth there is nothing that you could do to make him happy or to win his approval as the “perfect wife.” What he is not telling you is the true reason he has decided to shut you out by raising this wedge issue between you.
It may have something to do with an emotional block of his, which does not have anything to do with you, or it may have to do with his own feelings of inadequacy in providing you with what you’ve expressed are your needs. In either regard, continued couples counseling at your local church or through a community health services program may help him break through his blocks and show him how to express his real needs and desires for your shared relationship.
If you make the decision that a trial separation is needed in order for you to rediscover your needs, follow your heart in this regard, but I hope you can bear with him through this process.
Whatever the outcome I want to assure you that he has issues that have not been addressed. It is doubtful that your situation will change for the better until those issues do get the attention they need.
Finally, if you do move on to separate lives I want you to review the healing techniques that I recommend in Mars & Venus Starting Over. This situation may have started with his personal issues, but you don’t want to carry that baggage for a lifetime. Heal from this hurt, if indeed the issue is not resolved, and then move on with the rest of your life.
- John Gray
Have a question for John? Email him at Comments@MarsVenusLiving.com
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I don’t think I’d ever want a partner to say I was the “perfect” wife. If he were able to consistently engage with me, support my goals, set priorities together for our family, have fun together, I’d never notice the word “perfect” was missing from his vocabulary. By saying this, however, and sticking to some need for perfection, he is shutting you out and he needs to know that he’s hurting you and your marriage. I agree that therapy is a good idea, but would suggest finding a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who has special training in working with couples.
Is it possible that the other half of the message is the key to his troubles? He said she was “the perfect mother” to their three children, however, she was not “the perfect wife.” Is it possible that is where the trouble is? In marriage, one of the largest difficulties to overcome can come from devotion to children, often at the unintended expense of the marriage. He may not know it or be willing to admit it, but he may be jealous of the love and devotion she is “perfectly” expressing towards the children, and justified or not, resenting her for taking it away from him. Men above all need to be and feel admired and respected. He needs this so that he can feel praiseworthy enough to want to praise his wife back. If somehow he feels he does not come first anymore, that he is no longer her “first love” and first priority, or does not feel special as he did before the kids, he could eventually start taking it out on his wife, and not even know the source of his dissatisfaction. This may be especially true if he feels she *should* be devoted to the children more than to him, thus setting himself up for more frustration and unhappiness. That may be something worth exploring and discussing.