Dear John, Before I married “Tom,” we discussed what “success” in life meant to both of us. We are both well paid executives in different high tech companies and enjoy a high standard of living. We agreed that success for us was starting and raising a wonderful family. Before we married, we both agreed that during the following year, I would stop working and we would start a family, Therefore, we would begin adjusting our standard of living accordingly, paying down our debt and getting our finances in great shape. So after we married, Tom left his apartment and moved into my house. I continued to pay heavily on my all my debts and on the home we now share. Then, four weeks into the marriage, Tom pulled up in a brand new, very expensive sports car. I was not at all involved in the decision to purchase the car, and we have been arguing since. After asking him about his decision to make a large purchase without me, his response was, “I’ve been afraid of this commitment to start a family since the day we married and I have been focusing on taking care of myself.”
His purchase and that conversation now stand for “all that appears to be wrong with our relationship.” This is his third marriage and my first. I have asked for an annulment from him, but he says we can still make our marriage work. He believes now that all his feelings are finally out in the open, and we can move on. Still, my gut instinct is telling me to get out. John, what do you think? Patricia in Fairfax, Virginia
Dear Patricia, At this phase of his life, Tom would be the wrong person with whom to begin a family. Clearly he has issues about relationships—including this one. While there is a part of him that wants to be married, his purchase of this car, without your input or even your knowledge, was his way of saying that he truly wants to stay uncommitted to anyone at this time, including you.
If you decide to stick it out, he might placate you for a time, but more surprises like this would likely follow in the months and years to come. Trust your instinct to go your separate ways.
Finally, if, during the coming year he has taken the steps necessary to work through some of his issues, and you both want to give it another try, take it one day at a time without any rush to recommit. I don’t think there was any intention on the part of Tom to act maliciously even though he did hurt and deceive you. There is a part of Tom that sees himself both married and a dad. This is a conflict that he has within himself; a conflict that he needs to resolve, perhaps through working with a therapist. You don’t have to stop caring about him, but you are right to think that at this point in his life, he is not that guy you, or he for that matter, would like to be. All my best, John
