Dear John, What is a Fair Compromise?

November 11, 2009

My boyfriend of two years wants to go camping in the desert over the Christmas break this year. He asked me to go along with him. I said that it was too far away and that I’d like to go away with him but to somewhere closer to the city – maybe a five hour drive away from home instead of 12 hours.

I thought he would compromise and that we could work out a place where both of us could be happy but he says that he just really wants to go as far away from the big city as possible and that he has his heart set on this desert town 12 hours away by car, and he doesn’t want to go anywhere else.

He said that he needs space to get away and if I didn’t want to go then I should just stay in town with my family” and he would go on his own. Is he being disrespectful? Or am I being controlling? I thought in a healthy relationship you work together to find a middle ground.

He says he loves me, and that just because he doesn’t want to compromise on this trip that doesn’t have anything to do with his love for me.

I’d be very grateful for any advice you could give me?  No Desert For Me, in Houston, Texas

Dear No Desert, I want to assure you that his unwillingness to compromise does not mean in any way that he is being either controlling or disrespectful. In fact, the opposite is true: if he were insisting you come, that would be controlling.  Fulfilling his desire does not demand anything of you. It is a healthy compromise that you do your thing, and he have the opportunity to do his.

Certainly you want him to be happy and you can consider this as a gift of love. Understanding his need and respecting it in this way is setting a precedent that he do the same for you. If you resent this or hold it over him, it will backfire, and in the growth of your relationship, may well be looked back upon as a missed opportunity. When a man gets the space he needs, he loves you all the more for giving that to him. That is of course, if you don’t resent him from doing it.

Finally, remember that allowing for space in a relationship creates the time and distance for both of you to miss each other. It’s always been true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. So take the leap, let him go, and be happy for him that he’s doing something he loves to do.

Posted in John Says, Q&A