Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations at some point often turn into painful arguments. Through all the tears and bluster there is one underlying cause: we are not feeling loved.
In truth, emotional pain comes from a feeling of not being loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain, it can be all but impossible to be loving.
Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order to deal successfully with disagreements. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he is to a woman, the harder it is for him to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn’t like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and he will invariably feel that she just doesn’t like him.
A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being fulfilled. When he is not receiving all the love that he needs, he becomes defensive and his darker side begins to emerge. Instinctively he withdraws into a combative stand. He draw’s his sword, so to speak. On the surface it may appear that he is arguing about a specific issue (money, responsibilities, trust, values, and so forth) but the real reason he has become combative is the simple fact that he does not feel loved.
Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated openly, honestly, and directly. Instead, all these feeling pile up inside and spill forth during an argument. There are times when real issues are directly addressed, but for the most part they only come to the surface as a series of pained facial expressions, body posture, or particularly as a distinct tone of voice.
Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not simply resent each other for them. You will be addressing honest problems only when communicating in a manner that fulfills your partner’s emotional needs. When communication moves to a deeper and more honest level, arguments can become mutually supportive conversations both needed and helpful in resolving and negotiating differences and disagreements.
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