Are Your Children Ruining Your Marriage? No. In Fact, They Bring You Closer

April 10, 2009

Talk it out-but not in front of your child.

The kid is crying, and you’re bickering with your husband because he’s no help at all. In fact, he only makes matters worse by giving into whatever your child wants.

This wasn’t at all what you thought would happen in your marriage.

If you’re disappointed, you’re not alone. A recent University of Denver study, involving 218 couples over a period of eight years, shows that 90 percent of participants felt a decrease in satisfaction with their marriages after the birth of their first child.

Another study, conducted in 2006 and involving 13,000 people, showed that married participants were more depressed than childless couples.

Are having kids to blame?

Hardly, says MarsVenusLiving.com’s John Gray.

“Raising children brings joy and satisfaction. But it also brings a host of new challenges to young couples. Not only does it test the strength to their relationship; it’s a great indicator as to how well they communicate.”

John says couples would be wise to, “approach the parenting process as the ultimate bonding experience.”

Here’s how:

1. Take parenting classes. Doing so before you have children will give you insights as to the issues that can arise at all ages and stages of child-rearing, and to assess your responses prior to searching for solutions when actual problems arise. Will you always agree with your partner? No. But by talking them out beforehand, you’ll come to a consensus long before faced with them. And it’s never too late to take classes, says John. “Even if you’re in the middle of a family crisis, reaching out is the best way to learn new parenting techniques to solving real-time problems.”

2. Discuss the issue–but not in front of your child. Doing so gives a mixed message. If one parent is more consistently sympathetic to your child’s demands, that parent will then become the go-to parent. This may not be in the best interest of the child–and will certainly cause a rift between any couple.

3. Plan date nights–without the kids in tow. “The best way to reconnect is to reestablish the anticipation and passion you had before your children came into your life,” says Gray. “Men, take the lead by planning dates. This may mean lining up the babysitter, too. If a sitter is too expensive, swap babysitting duties with another couple. They’ll appreciate the offer.”

Which couples fared the best, post-kids? According to the University of Denver survey, those who have been married longer, or had higher incomes seemed to get closer during parenting.

There’s a logical reason for that, explains Gray: “A couple’s emotional maturity and financial security eases the tension between them. Happy couples make for happy kids.”

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Other MVL Articles of Interest

Why Committed Relationships Are Good for Your Health

Feeling Letters: Express Your Feelings in Marriage

Love and Marriage: How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff

25 Ways to Score with the Woman in Your Life

Unhappy Marriages Are Bad for Your Health

Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology

5 Key Traits for Long-Term Loving Couples

Marriage Works. Here’s When and How

Husbands and Housework

Surviving the Seven-Year Itch