How Newlyweds Can Defrost Their Cold Feet

March 7, 2009

Cold feet comes when you skip one of the five stages of dating.

It’s a question that is frequently posed to relationship counselors: “My partner wants to postpone our wedding. Why does he, or she, suddenly have a case of cold feet? Is it something I said or did?”

While it’s difficult and uncomfortable to postpone or cancel wedding plans, both partners should not lose sight of the obvious fact that relationships that don’t begin with two committed individuals are on shaky grounds at best. While the situation is awkward and painful at this very moment, we all know that divorces are far worse.

So what’s the root cause of most cases of cold feet? John Gray suspects that it is the failure on the part of one or both partners to go through all of what he calls the “five stages of dating.”

In his best selling book, Mars and Venus on a Date, John describes the five stages as Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, and Engagement. “More often than not,” John says, “in the case of cold feet, the second stage of uncertainty was either skipped or not fully explored.”

In uncertainty we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The great challenge of this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not to be overly influenced by its implications. To become uncertain does not at all mean that someone is not the right person for you.

When you are dating someone who seems very special to you, it is quite normal to lose some of your forward momentum and wonder whether you really do wish to continue the relationship. Without understanding and exploring your uncertainty, it is easy to drift from one partner to another.

It is also important to know that women and men move differently through their uncertainty. While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.

For a woman, the stage of uncertainty should be a time to reflect on what she is getting from her man, not on what she could get. This is a great time for her to look for support from her friends.

It’s also a time to test whether he is really the right person for an exclusive and possibly committed relationship.

When relationships move quickly through attraction, intimacy, and on to commitment, a man misses the opportunity to understand what he can do,  or should do, to make his partner truly happy. Therefore he begins to question whether he is capable of doing so at all.

In a more traditional approach to courtship, a man has the opportunity to do many little things, and therefore repeatedly tests his power to make his partner happy. A man best bonds with a woman by being successful in providing for her happiness, comfort, and fulfillment. His doubts about the strength of their relationship are dispelled, not primarily by what she does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her.

A committed relationship placed on hold is not necessarily the beginning of the end. Many couples can, and do, come back together, and reset a wedding date. Uncertainty is a powerful force in the human experience. The earlier we deal with it in a relationship, the better our chances are for long-term success and happiness.

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Posted in Marriage, Newlyweds