Couple Communication: Write it Down, then Talk It Out

April 7, 2009

Writing it out revives the love you feel.

Even the happiest of couples will have bitter feelings at times toward each other. When we are upset, frustrated, disappointed, or angry, it can be all but impossible to communicate in a loving manner.

At times like these, even when we have the best of intentions, talking can easily become fighting. No matter what you may have learned about Mars/Venus communication it all seems to vanish in the heat of the moment.

When a woman feels a surge of negative feelings it can be very difficult for her to speak in a trusting, accepting, and appreciative manner. She doesn’t realize how hurtful and negative her attitude toward her partner has become at a time like this. Similarly, men when upset have a tendency to become highly judgmental. When he has a surge of negative feelings he loses any ability he had to speak in a caring, understanding, and respectful way.

These are the times when talking about the issue just won’t work. Fortunately, there is another way: write out your thoughts. Here’s how and why:

1. Writing out your negative feelings is a terrific way to become aware of how unloving you may sound. By writing out your negative emotions, there intensity has a chance to be released. This gives your positive feelings the opportunity to be felt again.

2. Writing out your thoughts allows you to think through what you want to say. Short of writing down your feelings you may choose to follow the same process in your mind. Imagine you are saying what you feel, think, and want, without editing yourself in any fashion. By having an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your feelings, you will suddenly find yourself free of those negative feelings that have been pulling you down. By exploring negative feelings, positive feelings have the chance to emerge.

3. Even when you have the words down pat, don’t expect communication to be easy. That is simply unrealistic. Couples who have wonderful and loving relationships will at times agonize over how to best communicate with each other. It can be all but impossible to understand another person’s point of view when he or she is not saying what you want to hear. It’s very difficult to remain respectful of one another when your own feelings have been hurt.

4. No matter how hurt you may be, remember that you love each other. Many couples mistake their inability to communicate successfully as a sign that they do not love each other fully. Certainly love has a lot to do it with it, but at times like these excellent communication skills are the most critical ingredient.

5. Also, beware that another important and overlooked factor comes into play at this time. Understanding and accepting our partner’s negative feelings can be very difficult when your own negative feelings have not been heard or supported. This depends greatly on the opportunities that you may or may not have had as an adult to explore your own unresolved issues and negative feelings from your past. The more you have resisted your own negative feelings the more you will resist opening yourself up to the negative feelings of your partner.

Tomorrow in the second part of this story we’ll discuss the healing power you can find in writing love letters both to yourself and to your partner. We’ll also explore the role love letters can play in helping you move beyond your pain and into a deeper and more trusting relationship with your soul mate.

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Other MVL Articles of Interest

Why Committed Relationships Are Good for Your Health

Love and Marriage: How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff

25 Ways to Score with the Woman in Your Life

Unhappy Marriages Are Bad for Your Health

Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology

5 Key Traits for Long-Term Loving Couples

Marriage Works. Here’s When and How

Husbands and Housework

Surviving the Seven-Year Itch

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