If you are not getting the support you want in your relationship, there is a strong possibility that you don’t ask enough or that you are asking in a way that simply does not work. You should not interpret that failure as a sign to stop asking. In truth, feeling free to ask for love and support is essential to the success of any relationship. But remember this: If you want to G-E-T what you want, then you must learn the best possible ways to A-S-K!
There are five keys to asking a Martian for his support. Any one of which might provide the essential path to reaching him successfully. Those five keys are: Appropriate Timing, A Non-demanding Attitude, The Use of Brevity, Being Direct, and perhaps most importantly, Correct Timing. Let’s now examine more closely each one of these five keys to asking a man for his support.
1. Appropriate Timing – Don’t ask him to do something that he is obviously planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash don’t say, “Could you empty the trash?” Timing is critical. Also, avoid asking when he is fully focused on some other project, even if that project seems frivolous to you.
2. A Non-demanding attitude – Remember that a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given.
3. Brevity – Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you. Assume that he doesn’t have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself, the more likely he is to resist. Long explanations make him feel as though you don’t trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support.
4. Directness – Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When a woman needs support, she may present the problem but not ask for a man’s support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects to ask for it directly. In other words, she implies the request but does not directly state it. An indirect request makes a man feel that he is not fully appreciated.
5. Correct wording – One of the most common mistakes in asking a man for support is use of the word “could” and “can” in place of “would” and “will.” “Could you empty the trash?” is merely a question. “Would you empty the trash?” is a request. On Mars it would be an insult to ask a man “Can you empty the trash?” Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he do something but rather will he do what is asked.
There are few places where the Mars/Venus difference is more apparent than in how we ask and how we give or get support. A man sharing an apartment with his old college buddy is never going to suggest that he help bring up the stair with some packages he’s carrying. On Venus, on the other hand, it’s basic manners to offer assistance. On Mars it unrequested assistance says, “I don’t think you can do this on your own.” On Mars if you need help, you ask for help. Otherwise, you mind your own business. Men don’t understand this is not the custom on Venus. It is anticipated that you will offer help. So remember, if you want to G-E-T from a Martian, never forget to A-S-K!.
I was excited to read this article when I saw the title but was disappointed after reading it. No offense, but I think the title is a bit misleading. How about offering some suggestions of how to ask a man to show that he loves you, how to ask for emotional support, or how to ask a man to be more affectionate? I think that type of support is harder to ask for.
Our issue is just the opposite. My husband will not let me support him when he is having problems. I encourage him through out our daily lives and want what he wants. But when it comes to problems, my Martian pushes me away verbally. Please Help! I want to be his partner.
Thank you John, for continuing to give your valuable hints and tips. You da Man!
Karen
As someone who has spent many years in other cultures (i.e. Korea and England), I find that what is considered polite or acceptable in one culture is seen as rude and demanding in another. So it can be a particularly tricky dance to ASK appropriately to someone from another culture, or to know just what RESPONSE they really want.. What you say and mean may not be what they hear and respond to. It can be funny, and also frustrating!
John, I absolutely LOVE how you explain the differences between “Mars/Venus”! You make it so easy to understand and relate to! Thanks for sharing your knowledge and talents!
This is great info, John! One thing I have learned along the way about making requests is to sometimes use language like this: “I would love it if you would do X.”
What do you think about that?
I agree with Andrea!
How can you ask a man for emotional support, or
how do you ask a man to be more affectionate?
“We assume if he is not concerned about our feelings
or is not affectionate then he does not care. That
is how we function.”
Why does asking him for this make him so mad?
FYI – When he asks for more sex, I understand
and support his request.
Please help!?
I agree with Andrea!
How can you ask a man for emotional support, or
how do you ask a man to be more affectionate?
“We assume if he is not concerned about our feelings
or is not affectionate then he does not care. That
is how we function.”
Why does asking him for this make him so mad?
Hi. Stacy, John will be addressing your question in an upcoming article in his “Dear John” column, which runs every Monday. So keep checking back in.
Stacy, John will answer your question in his regular Monday Q and A column. This will be the posted feature for Monday, March 29th. Please note that we always assign a geographic location to the writer when one was not submitted with their question.