Arguments are a fact of life in all relationships. One way to reduce the number of fights that you have as a couple is to take the time when you are feeling good about yourself and your relationship to read over this list and see which of these mistakes resonates with certain mistakes that you have made in the past. Tomorrow we’ll provide a list of “Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight.”
Both lists are designed to help men as well as women. It’s a real benefit for women to gain new insight into the common mistakes that men make in an argument. So many women are under the impression that they are married to a man whose behavior is unique only to him. That is very rarely the case as you will see reading through this list.
It’s not recommended that you wait until you have a fight to review this list. This list of common mistakes that men make while fighting can help a man to reflect on what he could have done differently, and what insight he will have the next time tempers flare.
#1. Raising your voice or becoming cold, sharp, or distant in tone. Men can care so much about being right that they don’t realize that their tone can sound uncaring from a woman’s point of view. Men often sound threatening and overwhelming when angry. Just being aware of your tone can make a difference in the direction of a fight.
#2. Making condescending comments like, “Don’t worry about it,” or “it’s not a big deal.” Instead of acknowledging her feelings, is a mistake most men make repeatedly.
#3. Interrupting her with arguments to invalidate her feelings or correct her observations. A typical comment would be “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Instead of taking time to reflect and saying something like, “I understand you think that…”
#4. Expressing frustration with the pace of the argument. This is when a man will say in frustration, “Why do we have to go over this again and again.” A better approach is for a man to say, “I have to take a time out so I can better absorb what it is you are saying.”
#5. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions. This goes back to the classic Mr. Fix-It. This is such a common pattern for men: rather than listening, they will offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.
#6. Having to get in the final word. Whatever she says, her man comes back with, “So once again everything has to be the way, everything you want to be such a big deal.” Statements like these often stem from a male’s sense of frustration that his partner has more accomplished verbal skills. Getting in the final word is simply taking a verbal swipe that says, “I refuse to let you think that you have one this argument.”
#7. Tit for tat. When she complains, you raise her complaint with more complaints of your own. Chalk it up to a man’s competitive nature, but in truth, it’s no way to make peace and move beyond your argument.
#8. Giving in to what she wants, but with the message that you are doing so even though she is being unreasonable. No real way to make peace either. All this approach will accomplish is to set both of you up for Argument Part 2, Part 3, and so on.
This is the first of two articles based on a chapter in John Gray’s recent book, “Why Mars and Venus Collide.” Tomorrow we will conclude with the “Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight. Check out the book for a complete list of fourteen mistakes men and women make in a fight.
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Time to talk things out? Read
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#5. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions. This goes back to the classic Mr. Fix-It. This is such a common pattern for men: rather than listening, they will offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.
Yes, I think this one is the hardest one of them all to try to not do. No matter how much you would know, understand, and be aware of these, it is tough not to try to make this one.
#3. Interrupting her with arguments to invalidate her feelings or correct her observations. A typical comment would be “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Instead of taking time to reflect and saying something like, “I understand you think that…”
This is an understandable mistake, especially when men aren’t going to interpret a situation or feel the same as women. So being mindful that we can’t judge how anyone should think or feel is important to be aware of. I also love the saying ” It appears that you you think I …
It is my humble opinion, that on this topic, women quite often talk out of both sides of their mouths. I know I’m going to take heat on this, but one of the most common complaints about men from women is that we don’t share our feelings. Then when we do, we don’t do it correctly. Men, if their pair is working properly, are different from women, It’s God’s delightful sense of humor and lesson to each of us if we’ll receive it.
It’s best to recognize our differences, men from women; learn how to calm yourself and each other and remind yourself; if you do; that you love this person.
I think Steve has a very true point – men are fundamentally different in how we interact, especially in an argument, than women. And it is really tough for either gender to experience an argument from the “other’s” way of thinking. I slip into a “fix-it” mode instinctively since it would never occur to me to share a problems with another person if I wasn’t also looking for help with an actual solution. On the other hand, in my experience, women often find the process of communicating itself, regardless of the exact content, to be a part of the resolution of the disagreement since the problem is often a bit less about the facts and a bit more about the attitude and bonding issues that led to the conflict in the first place. I’ll never think like a woman, but I’ve learn that the most effective way to resolve an argument favorably is to keep my mouth shut at least 95% of those times when I feel the impulse to actually point out the facts.”
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